Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled Darkish Fantasy

This is topic Untitled Darkish Fantasy in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003560

Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :

I haven't put anything up here in a long while, and so may be a bit rusty. This is a major revision of something I did several years ago. I'm not quite ready for readers yet, maybe in a week or so. Thoughts on the opening would be appreciated, and if you'd be willing to read in a few days hence, that would be appreciated as well. Thanks!

**********************

Goodwife Maureen watched her son rollick in a drift of leaves. Kerr squirmed into the pile until only his grimy four-year-old’s feet showed, and then he burst up squealing in a shower of gold aspen foliage. Oh, how the boy favored his father.

She wondered how much the child quickening in her womb would favor its father. Would it be Kerr’s full brother or sister; or but a half-brother or half-sister?

Tonight the hedgewitch would tell her.

She feared she knew the answer already.

When the kick of a frightened horse killed her sister Claire, Maureen went to Aodann, her bereaved, to offer a sister’s comfort, but instead gave the comfort of a wife.

**********************

Posted by C L Lynn (Member # 8007) on :

I liked this. The imagery in the opening paragraph and the fear over her child's paternity would keep me reading. The one nitpick I have is over the phrase "his grimy four-year-old's feet." Is the use of possessive proper here? Strikes me as odd.

Whenever you've finished the draft, I'd be happy to look at it.

Posted by BenM (Member # 8329) on :

I enjoyed this.

The lone sentence/paragraph Tonight the hedgewitch would tell her. dilutes the (significant) impact of the sentence that follows. Try this as the closing sentence of the previous paragraph instead and see what you think.

When the kick of a frightened horse killed her sister Claire, Maureen went to Aodann, her bereaved, to offer a sister’s comfort, but instead gave the comfort of a wife.
This sentence seems, if not a run-on, then too long. Breaking it into two statements ([1] after her sister's death she goes to Aodann, [2] her indiscretion) may allow the significance of [2] to have more impact.

[This message has been edited by BenM (edited April 01, 2009).]

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

You don’t need "his" before "grimy four-year-old’s feet". Whose feet would they be but her son's? There's not another character among the leaves.

I had to consider the various definitions of "favor" to guess what you meant, because "to bear a resemblance to" is the last definition I'd use for "favor". Once I accepted the word, however, I pictured a grown man jumping from a pile of leaves, which probably isn't what you'd intended. I suggest clarifying that the boy's features/personality/whatever favored his father.

Overall, the writing is good and there's a definite hook. What will happen to her family after Maureen talks to the hedgewitch? I'll read the whole story.

Posted by Paladis (Member # 8535) on :

I had to read the last line a few times, I guess I needed to be sure that she was implying that she had slept with her brother in law and may now be with his child.

I like the way starts off, intrigue from the jump off.

The only line that I had a problem with is "Oh, how the boy favored his father." In first person it would fit, but I'm not so sure in third person. That might just be me, I notice no one else mentioned it.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

I thought the hook was sufficiently set to read on.

I had a couple of personal quibbles with the phrasing. The two lines of 'favor his father' and 'favor its father' didn't work as well for me reading it. The pairing slipped into a feeling of redundancy.

I thought the 'full brother or sister' or 'a half-brother or half-sister' did the same thing plus felt a little clunky.

Other than that, it was a nice image with Kerr playing in the leaves followed by the exposition of her problem.

[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited April 02, 2009).]

Posted by dee_boncci (Member # 2733) on :

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments. It has taken me longer than I expected to get this revision finished, for those who volunteered to read. I hope to be sending it out by the end of this coming weekend.

-D