Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Addition

This is topic The Addition in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by brockbooher (Member # 8570) on :

This is my first stab at a short story since ... maybe 3rd grade. Anyway, I am looking for any feedback. Thanks!

“I Jacob Ezra Jensen III do swear to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God.”

I was out of town when Brother Bob Gentry was buried. My wife went to the funeral. She said it was sad, but spiritual. She hated the sight of Sister Mary Gentry with those four kids sitting all by herself. My wife Sarah was kind to the Gentry family and opened up our home after the funeral and provided a luncheon for the grieving family.

Later she told me, “We are almost the same age. What would I do if you died suddenly like Brother Gentry?” I told her I had good life insurance and she could find a new husband, as long as it wasn’t one of my younger, still-single brothers. She hates it when I talked so flippantly about my own demise and

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 04, 2009).]

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

The beginning just sort of is on its own. We don't know if the MC is in court or just being flippant. If he is in court, we don't know why he's testifying, so it doesn't do the reader a lot of good at this point.

The last sentence is a little odd. The MC is talking about dying, then you switch to his wife saying she'll come back and haunt him if she dies.

If that last bit is a new paragraph which didn't show up on the post, it makes more sense.

There isn't much of a hook to keep the reader continuing. If this is a really short story, you could dispense with the beginning sentence and at the end slip in a hook that she died and the MC reaped the consequences.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I'm left wondering what the story is. It seems like a snippet of someone's life. There's no promise yet of change or movement. Also, I was confused by the first line. Who is saying it, and in what context? Is what follows a testimonial of some sort?

Posted by brockbooher (Member # 8570) on :

Thanks for reading! Yes it is a snippet of someone's life. The first line is an attempt to set the stage for a "full circle" at the end. I gues you would have to read the whole thing...

It doesn't fall in to the sceince fiction or fantasy realm. It is just a silly story I thought up after following the advice of one of the threads on this site about keeping pen and paper next your bed and writing down ideas that come from your dreams.

Thanks for reading and let me know if you would like to read the whole thing.

Gratefully

Brock