The dawn chorus of a flock of shalon was a cruel mockery as a chill wind stirred the ashes of the dead. The fire had burned away almost to nothing, the few remaining flames flickering and shimmering around the blackened wood in the parched morning light.
Athar sat on his haunches, a short branch hanging limply in his hand as he watched the fire die. It was long past the time he should have been moving on, but somehow he couldn’t find the will to leave. Hope had been the one thing spurring him on: the next village will be different, the next town will be different, the farmhouse up there in the hills…but hope had fluttered and wavered and died with the mounds of burning corpses he left in each.
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited May 15, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited May 15, 2009).]
Suggest starting the last sentence with “But hope had wavered and died…” and come back to the present moment:
“… while this mound of corpses turned to ash.”
“… while yet another mound of corpses burned in the village behind him.”
“… while yet another mound of corpses waited for his torch.”
I imagine it would take awhile for a pile of bodies to burn, and it would stink. Would he really stay put all that while? Perhaps yes, to honor the dead.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 15, 2009).]
I might be okay to crit this after the weekend. You could send it to me now, or after you get the first revisions back from others.
Aside from this, I'm interested. I'd be happy to read it if you send it.
Good luck with it.
Athar sat on his haunches, a short branch hanging limply in his hand as he watched the fire die. Kind of makes it sound like the branch is actively hanging limply on its own accord, rather than Athar holding it in a loose grip. Either way, Im not sure why you need this detail.
It was long past the time he should have been moving on, but somehow I would lose the word "somehow", it feels lazy. he couldn’t find the will to leave. Hope had been the one thing spurring him on: the next village will be different, the next town will be different, the farmhouse up there in the hills…but hope had fluttered and wavered and died with the mounds of burning corpses he left in each. Nice hook there at the end. I would read on for sure. Send it on if you like.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited June 05, 2009).]
That is an evocative sentence. It is also very clear. Then go on to A sitting there.
Distiling it to the one line creates a great opening image that would then lead straight into the good stuff, the strong emotional connection to Athar. I have no idea who he is, where he was coming from or what sort of different he was hoping for, but I already empathize. Well done.
I will read on if you are still looking for readers.
instead of -- the next town will be different, the farmhouse up there in the hills…but hope
one little change might make your list flow even better ??
the next town will be different, maybe that farmhouse up there in the hills…but hope
I'm not convinced about completely getting rid of the opening, but I agree with arriki that starting with "The fire had burned away almost to nothing." is better. "A chill wind stirred the ashes of the dead" is nice too, but I agree with Jeff that it would be a punchier opening with some of the imagery excised.
Alternatively, you might start with something like "Athar sat on his haunches, a short branch hanging limply in his hand. The fire had burned away almost to nothing, a chill wind stirring..." and so on.
The meaning of the last phrase isn't clear to me: "but hope had fluttered and wavered and died with the mounds of burning corpses he left in each." Do you mean that hope was eroded a bit more with each mound of corpses he found, or that it was a cyclic sort of thing: hope had died with each discovery, and he had managed to make himself hope again until he reached the next pyre?
I personally don't mind some things not being spelled out in the first thirteen lines (like what a shalon is--though that particular image may or may not be a throwaway), as long as it isn't too long before I get enough clarity to begin to feel comfortable.