1) Using 'felt' is unrequired and micro-telling--it is Nicki's POV so any feelings belong to Nicki. I realise it is very early in her POV but telling it is still inferior. Try '...Nicki shifted to ease the tingle in her legs...' or something like that.

2) Das Tranegras is what? If it is just grass and you are using a german word to establish setting, then I don't think it is the right choice. I paused to wonder what it was. You don't want readers to pause, you want them to read. If this is Germany, or an analogue, then establish that later.

3) I don't think you capitalize the C of capital. 'Capital city' is a descriptor, not a name. I may be wrong...in America you may refer to Washington as The Capital, but I didn't think so.

4) The tingle helped her think? Not with you there--it feels like a loose connection to move the reader to the problem.

5) The prostitution reference seems a little out of place. Perhaps it features in someway later, but the fact she discounts it immediately seems, well....do you need it here?

6)'...do as he did...' Who is he and what did he do? You have left this here as an unanswered question--is this meant to be a hook? If so, it isn't. It's withholding. The POV character knows these things but you are purposefully not informing the reader with the intent of establishing a hook. That is withholding and will annoy readers.

7) The lip biting seems a little strong. I am not feeling the antecedents of her emotions to warrant such a strong reaction. A frown would seem to be enough. If you wanted something stronger you would need to create a more powerful reaction within her before she bit her lip to the point of it bleeding, for it to make sense. The way it is now it is too much to soon.

8)What is she exasperated about? Also, this is telling--you are telling me she is exasperated, rather than showing me. The throwing of the hands together with the explaination isn't enough to move the line away from telling.

9)'...leaned back to lay...' Wordy. Besides she leaned back and actually (the next action) lay down, so she 'leaned back and lay'. Saying 'to lay' makes it feel like it hasn't happened when in fact you want the reader to 'see' it happen in their head. Try a reserve to the infinitive for actions that don't complete. e.g.

He reached down to grab the rucksack, but paused when he noticed the zip had been tampered with.

So rather than 'turned to look across the valley' try 'turned and looked across the valley'. (Although this works better (IMO) than yours--I think because looking can happpen at the same time as turning.)

Of course this is not a rule (just advice to consider before using an infinitive), just in your particular example (IMO) I think it would better to lose the infinitive.

10) '...The millions of pin-wheels...' Where did all this come from? If there are loads of children playing with 'pin-wheels' (whatever they are), it feels a little late to be mentioning them now. I think you could have set the scene a little more effectively earlier on, by mentionning her immediate environs more completely.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 19, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 20, 2009).]
 

1. No idea what this is; it distracts from the flow.
2. Leave out Capital. Establishing where the character is is more important than whether we know that Edantst is the Capital. That can be revealed later if and when it becomes important to the story.
3. Where are we, outside watching children and inside looking out a window?

This sounds like a story about one of Zeus’s bastard offpring. Not a bad idea. I want to read more, but I start to lose it when you get to the part about the children.
 

The good news is that your writing seems much further along than mine was when I got here. Hope everyones brutal honesty has helped you, I found it shook me up a bit when I got here.

I personally didn't know the word das tränegras, but it didn't stop me. What stopped me cold, was the line Prostitution was out of the question.

Kind of a powerful word, prostitution, just right out and grabs your interest doesn't it.
You might want to start with that line, and then wait for the rest of us to catch up.

for example.

Prostitution was out of the question. It would have given the gods reason to point and laugh and say to the other gods) <ditch, each other, "See? That is what happens when you do as he who is he? Name the him here did!" But there had to be a way she could help her mother make the next months rent.
{So she bit her lip hard enough to bleed.}ditch She wouldn't give the gods the satisfactionof what?. But after a while hmm... are you sure you are starting in the right place? if you start with action, all this information will naturally find a place to be put in. she threw her hands up in exasperation, and then she {leaned back to}ditch lay on her side and gazed<ditch) to gaze at the millions of pin-wheels spinning in the wind. okay what?! more description needed. Little children played tag between the bright spinning circles, taking care not to knock any down, but the older ones...

Overall, the purpouse of a first thirteen is to inform the reader the Who, (character) where (setting) and a bit about the what (plot, general idea) of the story.

You're doing good on the who. Kind of. A bit more clarifying would help. I need to know more about the where, but you are great on the what. I like the child of a god thinking about prostitution, eager to help her mother, but unable to figure out how. She seems almost powerless, though she should by birth have access to more powers.

It's interesting, if half-formed.
~Sheena

[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited June 22, 2009).]