My first attempt at a short-short piece. It started out as one thing and sort of evolved into something else. Comments on the begining are fine but I always prefer full reads if possible.
Alex listened to Janice talk as they ate. He didn’t process most of it. He caught some bits about the classes she was taking in college and her gay brother’s failed relationships. She leaned forward and looked right at him. He suspected she knew his attention was wavering. “So, what do you think? Business or economics?” “Um, I dunno. What’s the difference, really?” “You haven’t been listening to me at all, have you?” “I’m trying, baby, but you know I’m not into the whole college thing. Study groups, projects, big classes. You know I don’t like…stepping out of myself. ” She rolled her eyes.
Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :
Catchy dialogue. I'm curious about these characters now. You can send it my way.
Posted by Jennywinnie (Member # 8510) on :
I'm new at this...do you need my email address?
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
quote:Alex listened to Janice talk as they ate.
Ah, but he isn't really listening. This first line is not accurate. You will need to change it. Either...
Alex feigned listening as Janice talked as they ate.
or...
It took everything Alex had to stay awake while Janice chattered while he ate.
quote:He caught some bits about the classes she was taking in college and her gay brother’s failed relationships.
I suggest you trim this a bit.
He caught some bits; classes in college, gay brothers failed relationships.
quote:She leaned forward and looked right at him.
maybe...
She leaned forward and looked him in the eyes.
quote: He suspected she knew his attention was wavering.
cut. This is obvious already.
This is starting a bit slow. I am failing to see a speculative element (if it has one) at this point.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited June 24, 2009).]
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Thanks for the cut suggestions, I will probably use those. This whole flash thing is tough for me on having to watch wordcount so very closely. I mean I always try to keep it reasonble but its much more part of the proccess with flash.
quote:This is starting a bit slow. I am failing to see a speculative element (if it has one) at this point.
True, definitely true. However as we've all been discussing in zerostone's threads, I'm really begining to doubt that either of those things are inherently "bad" in any way.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
I tend to agree with you M-E, however I do hope the pace is picked up soon. I doubt most publications will ditch a story in the first 13 (unless the grammar becomes unbearable) but I bet that they often make their minds up in the first few hundred words for most submissions they receive. This is a flash though, so it is more likely they'll give your story a complete read. This is all just a guess on my part. There is a large group of slush readers for Flash Online here. Perhaps they could enlighten us how often they'll dump out of a story and how early they might.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
They already did actually. I realized though that I havent given it any polish it all so thats why I'm looking to get some reads and a bit of feedback.