Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Bilious Affect of Billy Wittgenstein

This is topic The Bilious Affect of Billy Wittgenstein in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by waterchaser (Member # 8729) on :

Sometimes we catch slivers of conversations, questions whose responses are so off-kilter we unconsciously look to see if there is some superficial reason for the strange response, or quietly look at each other as if to suppose that person was retarded.
Billy was not retarded at all though. In fact, he was very, very bright. And sometimes, most of the time we should say, Billy’s responses seemed to so bizarre that the people around him assumed that there was something wrong with him when in fact, he had just thought further and farther than they had about where they were going with the question.
And it is true, Billy may have been autistic, but so mildly so that except for his magnificent non-sequiturs, he appeared completely normal.

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

This one looks fine. It works as an opening.

Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :

Hey waterchaser.

It's not a bad opening, per se, but there are a lot of things that niggled at me as I read.

I am not overly fond of your title. Why, and indeed how, for example, does one affect a bilious nature? Unless you mean 'bilious' in the 'ill-tempered' sense, in which case there are countless other clearer words to choose from.

You have four sentences in this opening, one of which in particular is extremely long.

'further and farther' - is it necessary to switch between the two? Yes, there's a very slight and mooted different between the two words, but the difference here is negligible. It's like saying 'it was big and large'. Plus, since further and farther are almost identical, it looks like a typo.

'Billy’s responses seemed to so bizarre that' - seemed to be, I assume. or 'seemed to us', etc.

'he appeared completely normal' - you might get a silent objection from your reader with this. You are suggesting that autistic people are, by definition, 'abnormal', which is always a sticky situation to be in. Like if you said 'if it weren't for the wheelchair, she'd be completely normal'.

You've spent a very long time describing Billy and his non-sequitur-filled conversation, so unless you are about to jump into one such conversation, I'm not sure where you can go with this story.

I might read on for a bit, but I don't think I'm being hooked. We have an autistic person, and that's IT. I haven't heard from Billy himself, so I can't be drawn in by his character. We don't have a situation to engage me, only a slightly redundant narratorial musing. I need to see evidence of a story, and soon, or you'll lose me.

I think the prose is largely ok, it's just the way in which you're telling your story that's putting me off.

Hope this helps,
Daniel.

Posted by LlessurNire (Member # 8781) on :

Hi waterchaser! As an avid reader and a hopeful writer, I am much better at reading than writing, so I will post accordingly.

A lot of my thoughts while reading this were already pointed out by bluephoenix, and much more eloquently than I would have done.

I agree that there is a lot of description about autistic Billy...could be trimmed down a bit.

I like the first sentence about slivers of conversations. But then the move into the description of Billy was too jarring.

quote:
Billy was not retarded at all though.

Instead, maybe move into the description of Billy by starting out saying "Billy was famous for such conversations, but he definitely was not retarded..." something like that.

Maybe just 2 shorter sentences describing Billy, then finish off with a grabby hook. Maybe Billy saying one of these strange responses. It could be so strange and make us wonder what Billy is really thinking that it would make us want to read on.

Just my humble suggestions, good luck.

*edited to get quote to display right

[This message has been edited by LlessurNire (edited September 03, 2009).]

Posted by bluephoenix (Member # 7397) on :

^ agree with LlessurNire about 'Sometimes we catch slivers of conversations'. It's a nice phrase in its own right, so it makes for a good opening line (though it's not an overt hook, so you need to build on it to sustain interest)