It felt strange, standing among the empty isles. The usual grocery-store din was gone. No babble of voices, or creaking of rusty shopping carts, no piped-in music. The only sound was the omnipresent hum of the refrigerated cases.
It gave Ha****o the creeps. Even if he hadn’t known the place was haunted, the stillness and quiet, in a place usually full of sound and movement, was a little disturbing.
He could tell Tommy felt it too. His partner was annoyingly cheerful most of the time, but now he was quiet, eyes darting rapidly here and there. Of course, Tommy always got a little nervous when they got an exorcism job. His elemental powers weren’t terribly useful against spiritual threats.
Ha****o put a hand on his shoulder. Tommy jumped then let
I liked how you used contrast to describe the setting, to me the technique always adds mystery and a sense of change to places or people (change is always welcome, particularly in the 1st 13).
And this is has all the emotion and reaction I look for in a story (How Tommy is acting and why). I'd read on for sure.
No babble of voices,cut this comma or creaking of rusty shopping carts, no piped-in music. The only sound was the omnipresent hum of the refrigerated cases.Good job here.
It gave Ha****o the creeps.This qualifies as pretty blatant "telling". If you make it clear in the 1st couple sentences that it's Ha****o experiencing the silence, etc. Then this becomes unnecessary.
Even if he hadn’t known the place was haunted, the stillness and quiet, in a place usually full of sound and movement, was a little disturbing.Repeating the "stillness and quiet, in a place usually full of sound and movement" stuff felt repetitive. Maybe just say (paraphrasing): "The place would be creepy even if it wasn't haunted".
He could tell Tommy felt it too. His partner was annoyingly cheerful most of the time, but now he was quiet, eyes darting rapidly here and there. Of course, Tommy always got a little nervous when they got an exorcism job. His elemental powers weren’t terribly useful against spiritual threats.I'm on board with this part. Seems a little campy and comic-booky, but I thing that's what you're going for.
Ha****o put a hand on his shoulder. Tommy jumped then let
Hook is present, and I would read on. Nice setting work here.
You use 'quiet' twice in close proximity. Maybe change one of them.
I'd drop these commas, "and quiet, in a place" and "voices, or creaking". The words pace themselves fine without needing prompting.
I am very curious about what happens next. I'll be happy to read it when you're finished, if you like.
Have fun!
Just a couple things to watch:
"His elemental powers weren’t terribly useful against spiritual threats."
The phrasing "weren't terribly useful" is a tad weak. Maybe something less qualified like " His elemental powers were of little use against spiritual threats".
And this sentence would probably be stronger sans comma.
"Even if he hadn’t known the place was haunted, the stillness and quiet, in a place usually full of sound and movement, was a little disturbing."
It reads a little stilted with all of the pauses.I do the exact same thing myself constantly and have to go back and correct it once I read the story aloud.
[This message has been edited by AJ Valliant (edited August 28, 2009).]
quote:
It reads a little stilted with all of the pauses.I do the exact same thing myself constantly and have to go back and correct it once I read the story aloud.
Yeah I think the whole story has over-comma problems.
However its interesting because...
quote:
The phrasing "weren't terribly useful" is a tad weak. Maybe something less qualified like " His elemental powers were of little use against spiritual threats".
I really think "weren't terribly useful" is probably closer to how most people would speak/think it than "of little use against."