Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Cave (600 +)

This is topic The Cave (600 +) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :

Trellek was near exhaustion and almost decided to tell Julka that they should turn back, because they would never find that cave their elders always talked about. But she was trudging happily ahead, pushing through the thick brush with the zeal of an explorer and he knew she was going to have her adventure - one way or another.

He decided to stop after a branch whipped across his face, a gift from Julka, and took a long drink from his water skin. Closing his eyes he imagined that the water cooling his throat was Taggart’s ale and that Buena, his daughter, was singing. Her voice was exquisite and she danced rhythmically to beat of drum. Then she screamed and pointed at something. Trellek sighed when he realized that it wasn’t Buena scream, it was

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 26, 2009).]

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

The flashback is more interesting to me than the action. You are starting in the wrong place!

Start with the daughters singing. Dig in deep, and don't rush through the story. Give us a chance to see the details.

Keep going.
~Sheena

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

quote:
Trellek was near exhaustion and almost decided to tell Julka that they should turn back, because they would never find that cave their elders always talked about.

That first sentence seems a bit long, and makes me struggle. It could use some breaking up. How about:

quote:
Trellek was near exhaustion. They would never find that cave the elders spoke of! He almost decided to tell Julka that they should turn back.

Also, it may be an unfortunate effect of being limited to the first 13, but it seemed incongruous when Trelleck's reaction to his daughter's scream is a sigh. Even if he is reacting to some other thing that breaks him out of his memory and sounds like a scream, it is hard to imagine him sighing about either sound. Both possibilities require a stronger reaction.