My first submission to you folks, I have thick skin, have at it!

Thanks

Lord Mohr leaned forward onto his plate just placed down in front of him. He gave the usual nod of approval to the young servant as he watched her walk back to the stairs. He then looked down to his steaming duck and apples with mushroom sauce. It's familiar smell rose in clouds of delight around his old wrinkled nose. Forgetting about the lovely servant for a while, he dove hungrily into his supper. As did his two General sons.
As he munched away on one of the wine soaked apples, he wondered what he enjoyed more, the exquisite meals prepared for the three of them at these rare occasions, or watching the young supple servants which brought them these culinary masterpieces. He mused it would depend on his appetite.

[This message has been edited by flier (edited September 03, 2009).]
 

I felt the second paragraph was fantastic. But the first was disjointed and needed some fixing.

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Lord Mohr leaned forward onto his plate ("onto his plate"? maybe "over the plate", otherwise he is on his food. The fact that a servant just put it down makes it seem wierd for him to take possession over it - what im saying is the plate flow better than his plate)just placed down (delete "down") in front of him. He gave the usual (delete "the usual")nod of approval to the young servant as he ("as" should be "and", delete "he") watched her walk back to the stairs. He then looked down to his steaming duck and apples with mushroom sauce.(I would delete this setence, it does nothing to move the story. You later do a great job of dropping in the fact that he is eating a wine soaked apple. If the food is poisoned let it be the apple since you wrote it in so well.) It's familiar smell rose in clouds of delight around his old wrinkled nose.(this sentence breaks the POV. Maybe "The familiar smells rose in clouds of delight" or something along those lines.) Forgetting about the lovely servant for a while,(as far as I was concerned, he already HAD forgot about the servant. There was only a passing mention of them) he dove hungrily into his supper.(I would clean up this in a way that you don't have to use "hungrily" to describe his eating. "With a growl from his stomach, Mohr dove into his supper" along those lines. show not tell or something like that lol) As did his two General sons.(I would attached this last sentence to the sentence before it with a comma.)
As he munched away on one of the wine soaked apples, he wondered what he enjoyed more,(period or semicolon would be better here) the exquisite meals prepared for the three of them at these rare occasions,(why is this occasion rare? I would assume a lord would be use to having lavish eating. Mention of the "usual nod of approval...familar smells...also puts me into the mindset that this is not a rare occasion. Unless its the fact that his sons are with them, then you need to make this clearer) or watching the young supple servants which brought them these culinary masterpieces. He mused it would depend on his appetite. ("mused" is used incorrectly here. Musing is what he was doing beforehand, "it depending on his appetite." infers that he has concluded his musing.)

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I think you have potential with this, just do some housekeeping, and remember to keep out uneccessary stuff that just waters down the story.

Firstly, I'm not convinced that 'mused' is incorrect, here. 'it would depend on his appetite' is part of the overal musing, so I think you can allow it. Besides, I like that last line. It's the most lordly of his thoughts - it seems to click into place a little better than anything else he thinks.

Otherwise, I agree with Denval (except for 'usual nod of approval to the young servant as he watched', which I have no problem with). A few other points:

I am not a fan of clouds of delight. What am I supposed to be picturing? Ghostly smiles rising off the plate? Going by 'clouds', I will assume you mean that there is good-smelling steam coming off the food. If so, I would suggest describing it explicitly. Assuming you want to keep delight and clouds (though there are, of course, all sorts of different words to choose from), there are various options: 'its familiar smell rose in delightful clouds of steam', 'its delightful, familiar smell rose in warm steam-clouds', etc. Though, as it happens, I'd say that 'clouds' implies rather more steam than is usual for a plate of food. Maybe 'wisps' or something instead?

The only other thing I'll say is that, aside from that last sentence, I'm not getting a very grand, lordly feel from this person. I realise it's not THAT essential, seeing as he's about to get killed, but still. There's being content, and then there's 'munching away' quietly to yourself like a bovine lummox.

Generally, not bad, though I think it could do with an overhaul. Decide what is important, and describe that; is the exact makeup of this exquisite meal important enough to spend words on, or could those words be better spent on something else?

Hope this helps,
Daniel.

[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited September 03, 2009).]
 

"It would depend on his appetite" is the answer (or conclusion) to the question (musing) of which he enjoyed more that he wondered about in the previous sentence. At least the way it is presented here; If it is a continuation it should be worded differently eg - "He mused whether it depended on on his appetite, or the weather outside."

Bluephoenix is right about deciding what is important.
 

I'll add this: "his two General sons" didn't read well to me. Maybe something more expected like grown sons, visiting sons, burly sons... who happen to be generals.

I liked the lord being his decadent self. Even people in power can't be professional all the time--especially since its a private meal. I'm guessing he has an inherited title, not one earned by merit.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 04, 2009).]
 

Thanks again! This 40 year old rookie is so new at this! More to come