As my head sinks deeper into my pillow, I notice my hands draped over my abdomen. They slowly rise and fall with my slowing breath. The pattern is mesmerizing. My diaphragm inflates. It deflates. It inflates. It deflates. As the cycle continues, my eyelids’ weight increases. I can finally relax and get some sleep. I am tired. These kids won’t stop bothering me with these sharp sticks. I feel them poking my arms and finger tips. Who do these brats think they are? When I was younger, I never would have dared to annoy an adult who was trying to fall asleep. Such disrespect would have bought me a whipping from my father’s leather belt. My mom would then come in crying after ten minutes had passed, saying that was more than enough. It never was.
Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :
Is this flash? What genre? Also, what kind of critique do you want?
Posted by SchamMan89 (Member # 5562) on :
I'm not sure what kind of genre you'd classify it. Speculative fiction, perhaps?
I'm just curious if this beginning catches your interest and eases you into the narrative.
Posted by Denem (Member # 8434) on :
My first thoughts of this were he went from sleeping in a comfortable bed to being outside with the mention of sticks. I think you can get away without the whole first paragraph and start with the second. I am curious to know why kids are poking him, though. Interesting hook there.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
quote:I'm just curious if this beginning catches your interest and eases you into the narrative.
Yes and yes, with the caveat that the story questions pull me in, but some questions about clarity pull me out.
It hints that sleep is rare and difficult to obtain, more precious in your universe than it is for us. The kids' audacity hints that once you start on the process of falling asleep, it's difficult to be woken up again. If all of that is the case, I'd like it to be more explicit. If not, then that first paragraph, while nicely written, is not necessary. And if sleep is normal, than why does he lie there and accept the poking? (Sometimes I need to be beaten over the head with the spec element to "get" it.)
Its intereresting on multiple levels; the twist on sleep, the kids poking him with sticks, and the severity of the beatings he received as a child. Good start.
I do wonder; doesn't he know who "these kids" are? It almost sounds like they are strangers. Is he at home? (Suggest "their" sticks.)
Does the line "It never was" mean that the father kept up the beating despite the mother's intervention?
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 10, 2009).]