.*Edit* Completely re-written this one and it stands at about 10,300 words if anyone is interested.
*Edit* One, often-overlooked advantage of working on your first thirteen is how much it tightens up the rest of your story. I think version 4 is the version I'll run with.
Nick
Version 1
quote:
I knew the naked man in the chair was an illegal immigrant because a citizenship implant hadn’t broadcast his brain-death. Welsh seemed vexed at the prospect of an unwanted addition to our unit’s statistics, but I felt like a six year old the night before Christmas. As it was our first day together, some small talk seemed appropriate.
“I suppose a Piracy and Trojans stud would call this a suicide,” I said. Welsh had been demoted from Piracy and Trojans to Homicide in a hush-hush scandal. My old partner, Fred Maddox, had gone in for neural retraining to recover from an addiction Trojan. Command stashed Welsh with me as my last chance to stay on the force.
"Fred said you'd say something like that," Welsh said.
Version 2
quote:
I knew the naked man in the chair was an illegal immigrant because a citizenship implant hadn’t broadcast his brain-death. Welsh seemed vexed at the prospect of an unwanted addition to our unit’s statistics, but I felt like a six year old the night before Christmas. As it was our first day together, some small talk seemed appropriate.
“I bet you think this is a suicide,” I said. Welsh had been demoted to Homicide in a hush-hush scandal. My old partner, Fred Maddox, had gone into rehab and Command stashed Welsh with me as my last chance to stay on the force.
"Fred said you'd say something like that," Welsh said. He crouched next to the dead man and prodded him with gloved hands. The boater’s stiff hand still clenched a gun.
Version 3
quote:
I knew the naked man in the chair had to be an illegal immigrant because a citizenship implant hadn’t broadcast his brain-death. Welsh seemed vexed at the prospect of an unwanted addition to our unit’s statistics, but I felt like a six year old the night before Christmas.
“I bet you think this is a suicide,” I said.
Welsh laughed and snapped on a pair of rubber gloves.
"Fred said you'd say something like that." He crouched next to the dead man and prodded him. The boater’s stiff hand still clenched a gun. It had been in his mouth before burning a coin-sized hole through where the skull met the back of his head.
Version 4
quote:
The dead man in the chair clenched a gun in his right hand. I rolled on a pair of rubber gloves and then grabbed his head so I could see the exit wound. The gun had burned a coin-sized cauterized hole where the skull met the back of his neck.
“Bet a Homicide rookie likes you thinks this is a suicide,” I said to Walsh.
“Better be. Just got a mortgage.” My new partner struggled to put on his gloves. "I’ll miss the bonus for quarter clearances if it’s a boater murder.” He peered into the mouth of the illegal immigrant, looking at the wound from the other side. “Without a citizenship implant, how precise can we be with time of brain-death?”
I shrugged. “Some time this morning.”
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 14, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 18, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited October 17, 2009).]
I'd recommend slowing it down a bit and focusing only on the elements that will set up the story. Give us some character and atmosphere.
quote:
I knew the naked man in the chair was an illegal immigrant because a citizenship implant hadn’t broadcast his brain-death.
Since they do not know who this person is, I believe they shouldn't be so certain on what he is. Consider changing was an to had to be
quote:
Welsh seemed vexed at the prospect of an unwanted addition to our unit’s statistics, but I felt like a six year old the night before Christmas. As it was our first day together, some small talk seemed appropriate.
These two sentences have little to do with the first. You will either need to cut the first sentence and move it further back into the opening or focus the opening on the man in the chair. Mentioning him than forgetting him is not the way to go.
one
quote:
“I suppose a Piracy and Trojans stud would call this a suicide,” I said.
quote:
Welsh had been demoted from Piracy and Trojans to Homicide in a hush-hush scandal. My old partner, Fred Maddox, had gone in for neural retraining to recover from an addiction Trojan. Command stashed Welsh with me as my last chance to stay on the force.
quote:
"Fred said you'd say something like that," Welsh said.
Two is an infodump. Consider at least switching two with three. Three would work better with an action tag. For example...
quote:
“I suppose a Piracy and Trojans stud would call this a suicide,” I said.
Welch straightened his back and narrowed his eyes at me. "Fred said you'd say something like that."
Then try to work the rest of the info in.
Hope this helps
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited September 11, 2009).]
Thanks, great points. Think I'll sit on this opening overnight.
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited September 11, 2009).]
Welsh seemed vexed at the prospect of an unwanted addition to our unit’s statistics, but I felt like a six year old the night before Christmas.This could be shown to better effect, I think. Maybe have Welsh say that he's "vexed", then show how he looks to support this.
“I bet you think this is a suicide,” I said.
Welsh laughed and snapped on a pair of rubber gloves.
"Fred said you'd say something like that." He crouched next to the dead man and prodded him. The boater’s stiffI'd cut "stiff", it interrupts the flow and is assumed in a dead person. hand still clenched a gun.
It had been in his mouth before burning a coin-sized hole through where the skull met the back of his head.This sentence felt clunky to me. Again, a read aloud will illustrate. You could try something like "He had a hole in the back of his neck consistent with a self inflicted gunshot." I'm not sure you need to spell out the mouth thing. Or if you do, you could use dialogue like a coroner does as they record their observations of a body.
That's a lot of nitpicks for what I consider a pretty successful opening. It's main problem is info dump, which I always feel goes down smoother with dialogue. I would read on.
This one is finished at 11K (long I know, it will probably shrink in the 2nd draft). There is some coarse language.
KDW, may I please have the title altered to Boaters SF, 11,000 words? Many thanks,
Nick
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited October 04, 2009).]
I have a 10,000 word story I'm shopping around for crits right now. We could swap, if you're interested (I posted the first thirteen really recently if you want to check out the first 13 before agreeing to swap).
Thanks for your offers. I've actually decided to re-write this story from about the 5,000 word mark in an attempt to meet Bent Tree's challenge for the 20th October. I'd love crits then, but I understand that circumstances change.
Anyway, BoredCrow, send through your story regardless. Same with Annepin and Genevive42 if you've got work you want looked at.
Regards,
Nick
As above, I've finally rewritten this one to a stage where I'm comfortable that it can be critted without burning the eyes out of readers. I understand that circumstances change, but if anyone is still interested in reading this, it would be hugely appreciated.
Nick
quote:
The gun had burned a coin-sized cauterized hole...
quote:
"I’ll miss the bonus for quarter clearances if it’s a boater murder.”
Not sure what this means - is he getting a bonus if they prevent boaters from being murdered, or prevent boaters from committing murders? Need to make clearer.
I'll be happy to read if you want to send it.
Are you still taking readers? I arrived late to the party put I'm really hooked by the 4th version. Let me know! I'm game for the 5k version if you can shrink it or the longer version it you can't. My story isn't done yet--it'll be at least until the end of the month (I write slooooooooowly). If you're willing, I'll crit yours, then send you mine sometime in the near future.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited October 18, 2009).]
.I like version 4 the best. I think flows better than the others, and I was never fond of the brain-death opening line. I think you only need one of 'coin-sized cauterized' rather than both, but otherwise, no real problems.
I'd like to read the whole thing, so send it over if you'd like my thoughts .
Daniel.