How do the new first two sentences sound? I'm worried they're a bit clunky.
(Newer version)
Respectable businesswomen generally didn't climb trees, but Kait couldn't think of a better way to sneak into the Mage-Kings private gardens. And since she intended to steal back the moon, she did it far from any street lamps, with only stars to light her way. She spat a leaf out of her mouth and reached for the next branch, her shoes slipping on smooth bark. Anti-shielding spells clinked together on a cheap bracelet, and lock picks she didn't really know how to use dangled half out of her pocket.
She was no thief trained to slip through shadows, only a foolish woman willing to throw away her freedom for the sake of a power she had no right to touch. But as soon as she'd joined the crowds to witness the moon's silent beauty displayed behind
***
(OLder version):
In order to steal back the moon, Kait first had to climb a tree over the wall into the mage-king's private garden. With only stars to light her way, she spat a leaf out of her mouth and reached for the next branch, her shoes slipping on smooth bark. Anti-shielding spells clinked together on a cheap bracelet, and lock picks she didn't really know how to use dangled half out of her pocket. Her limbs ached; respectable businesswoman generally didn't climb trees.
She was no thief trained to slip through shadows, only a foolish woman willing to throw away her freedom for the sake of a power she had no right to touch. But as soon as she'd joined the crowds to witness the moon's silent beauty displayed behind gilded bars, she had for the first time in her life resolved to
*
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited October 09, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited October 01, 2009).]
Not sure, but you might need to capitalize Mage King.
I'd drop the comma between "her way, she spat". It makes the sentence jerky.
The dangling lock picks bother me. Might be my own thing but I really want her to push them back in her pocket.
Instead of "generally", consider "weren't supposed to climb trees".
And maybe, "She wasn't a thief..." instead of "she was no thief".
These are just nits though. I'll give a read if you like. It sounds very interesting.
I can clarify that, if people think it's necessary. More i had the image of keys dangling out of a pocket. You know they're not going to fall, so you don't push them back in.I really appreciate all the advice; I'll make those changes. And alliedfive - would you be more available to crit in a week or so? That way, I could get you a later version with fewer typos.
[This message has been edited by BoredCrow (edited October 02, 2009).]
What about starting it at "Respectable businesswomen generally don't climb trees..."
It's a provocative statement, and appears to be pointing to the crux of what she's up to. Then describe the intent to gain illicit entry onto the mage's property and most importantly why she is doing it and you'll have dropped the reader firmly into the story coincident with her getting over the wall.
I'm a little confused, though, over one thing. She's trying to "steal back" the moon, which implies she already had it at some point in time. Then she thinks about throwing away her freedom for "a power she had no right to touch," which implies the opposite.
Not sure if I made it clear in my thread "Boaters", but I'll look at this one.
Nick
Nick: Yeah, I did see it. The earlier reviewers inspired several large revisions; I just wanted to finish those before I send it out again. Sorry for the delay! (I'll try to get those done tonight)