Comments on the first 13 welcome, and I'd like some readers for the whole thing if anyone's interested. It is nearly 7k words, so if you get part way through and think 'this is really pants', I'll understand .

Revision 1:
Carrie hated doing portrait work. Nobody ever liked the results, and the finger of blame always ended up pointing firmly in her direction: unwavering, like she’d personally added every blemish and imperfection. She just pointed the camera. Still, she had to admit, it was a little unnerving to know that a machine could see right down to a person’s soul.
She squinted through the viewfinder again, watching her client perch awkwardly on his chair.
"Like this?" he said. "It don’t feel right, posing. Them things don’t like posers."
They don’t like anything much, she thought. "Just sit up straight please, Mr. Trent - it’s best to keep things simple with Candid Exposure."

^ Any better? I thought I'd take KatTi's advice and try putting the main concept in the first 13. It was a few lines further down, before, sitting behind some technical mumbo-jumbo (camera shutters, treated lenses, etc). It's quite a farfetched concept, so I wasn't sure if it'd be too much to accept, on its own like this.

[Original:
I hate doing portrait work, thought Carrie. It’s always somehow my fault, all the imperfections this thing picks up. It’s not like I make the damn pictures; I just point the camera. Hardly my fault if people don’t like what they see.
She squinted through the viewfinder again, watching her client perch awkwardly on his chair.
‘Like this?’ He said. ‘It don’t feel right, posing. Them things don’t like posers.’
They don’t like anything much, she thought. ‘Just sit up straight please, Mr. Trent - it’s best to keep things simple with Candid Exposure.’
‘Damn C.E. cameras,’ he muttered. She almost agreed with him.
‘Looking this way please,’ said Carrie, ‘and smile.’ Click.]

*

Thanks for reading .

Daniel.

[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited October 12, 2009).]
 

Regarding your first 13, I don't like the first person thoughts. I think they work better in third,e.g:

Carrie hated doing portrait work. Somehow it was always her fault, all the imperfections the camera picked up. It wasn't like she made the damn pictures; she just pointed the camera. If people didn’t like what they saw, well, tough.

She squinted through the viewfinder again, watching her client perch awkwardly on his chair.
‘Like this?’ He said.

-"Like this?" he said.

You don't capitalise the 'he' as it is part of the same sentence as the quote.

Unless you are writing to some other format. I would suggest using standard manuscript format. Use " instead of ' and if you was an em dash then you do it so--blah, blah--and finish. No gaps and it s a double dash as opposed to post-human, forex. It may end up like you have done it once in print, but standard formating is the rule prior to a sale. its a b***ch to change later.

‘It don’t feel right, posing. Them things don’t like posers.’
They don’t like anything much, she thought. ‘Just sit up straight please, Mr. Trent - it’s best to keep things simple with Candid Exposure.’

‘Damn C.E. cameras,’ he muttered. She almost agreed with him.
‘Looking this way please,’ said Carrie, ‘and smile.’ Click.
 

The first few lines are first person (carrie's thoughts.) If you punctuate those as thoughts (standard manuscript formatting would have you underline those things that are personal thoughts, which would indicate to the editor that you intend for that passage to be in italics when printed. If there is a lot of "thought to herself" going on in the story, it might be better to dispense with the underlined/italics and either use quotations to set off her personal thoughts, or bury the thoughts into the overall narration so that they just flow.

Example:
Carrie squinted through the viewfinder. I hate doing portrait work, she thought to herself. Always my fault, somehow, all the imperfections. I don't make the pictures! I just point the camera.

or

Carrie squinted through the viewfinder. "I hate doing portrait work, she thought to herself. Always my fault, somehow, all the imperfections. I don't make the pictures! I just point the camera."

Throughout the rest of the piece I think you're settling into third person POV on Carrie, which is a perfectly fine POV (pretty standard in fiction today) - but if you're doing 3rd, just be watchful for those voiced-inner-thoughts passages, to be sure you're not switching into and out of first person.

Does that make sense?

The only other feedback is that you want to be sure that within the next few lines you're going to tell us just what's so funky about Candid Exposure. I have an inkling this isn't just a standard photo shoot, and as a speculative fiction reader, I am hoping for a fun payoff pretty soon here. I'm pretty sure that's where you're heading, but wanted to mention it in case you weren't aware of the strong bias spec fic readers have to want to see what's speculative about your piece right up front.

Good luck with this!
 

Seems like you may have a good concept to work with here, but I’d agree with both Skadder and Kayti. The opening so strongly suggests 1st person POV that the “thought Carrie” is jarring (since her thoughts would usually form a direct part of the narrative) and then we’re in 3rd person.

I’m not sure that I brought Carrie’s thought process either. It seems more like the thought equivalent of “as you know Bob”…I don’t disagree with the general content of the thoughts, but the way they are expressed doesn’t convince me they’re the thoughts of a real character. Others may differ on the opening paragraph, but it just didn’t seem natural to me.

Anyway, send it through.

Nick

 

Apologies first off for the iffy punctuation - I think I've just gotten into bad habits with that.

Re. the POV issues, I didn't realise it was so jarring to read. The biggest chunks of it are here in the opening, but I've got little asides and thoughts littered throughout this thing. By the sound of it, the way I've done them is gonna put people right off.

So, I'm gonna try to fix this opening today, and if it's better, I'll blast through the whole thing and fix it accordingly before I send it out (thanks again to Skadder and Nick T for offers to read) .

Daniel.
 

My only nit is "They don't like anything much." It seems that it should be "anyone", not 'anything', unless the camera shows the same imperfections of inanimate objects. But that is a very small nit.

I'll be happy to read for you as well. This sounds interesting.
 

Now Sending to genevive42, skadder, and Nick T. Anyone else who's interested, just give me a shout .
 

Overall, I like the concept. Maybe the Amish were right about photography.