[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 16, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 16, 2009).]
And you've go me hooked. I want to know how she got in the drift state, why she thinks she's on the beach, and all the implications.
I had to stumble through that part. Other than that, it flows nicely. I don't care for the word "Whilst" but I know it is popular in the UK.
The description of her skin is nice. I once used, "his skin hung from his bones like a sheet to a stick."
The only issue was that it took me a while to connect that Jasal was the woman because I thought Jasal was a man's name. I don't know if there's any basis for that assumption, or if it's just me.
I'd probably read on, because the writing itself speaks of competence, but it's borderline.
(I'm harsh, I know...)
drifted in murky fluids like a grape that had shrivelled and dried upon the vine – doesn’t work for me. It’s the contrast of drifting IN fluids and BEING shriveled and dried (also, shriveled AND dried? Isn’t that redundant?)
anemic flesh along her limbs – you sure? Anemia is the reduction in the number of red blood corpuscles. I doubt that would be visible. It’s not really a matter of flesh but of blood.
It might be better if you put Jasal’s (?) internalization as the second paragraph so it is a response to the first paragraph and THEN deal with the murky fluids stuff.
“It’s you, Jasal,” the voice said. “You’re in a drift-state.”
Me? No, it can’t be—I’m on the beach.
Jasal heard the harsh cries of the gulls circling above her and the rhythmic crash of waves, but the sounds of the beach diminished and she was forced to examine a stick-like woman whose skin hung in folds, like warmed wax. Fine veins spidered through the glassy flesh.
That can’t be me.
The waif like image of the woman stubbornly remained. She drifted in murky fluids. Black tubes penetrated her throat and nostrils, whilst finer, translucent tubes plunged into the flesh along her limbs
I wonder about the first line. "It's you..." Was there someone else she imagined was in a drift state?
And the shriveled grape line doesn't work for me either. Perhaps move it down a bit, so that the reader is not too overwhelmed by description?
quote:
“It’s you, Jasal,” the voice said. “You’re in a drift-state.”
The waif-like woman drifted in murky fluids like a grape that had shrivelled and dried upon the vine.
Why there is some stumbling here is because you do not identify the "voice" as male or female, nor do you specify Jasal is the "waif-like" woman.
Also, grapes become overripe and get wet, saggy wrinkles. The word "dried" juxtaposed with "murky fluids" seems more contradictory.
IMHO - I'd ditch the "Jasal" from the first part: "You're in a drift-state, but it's still you," a (male or feminine) voice said. (She'd be able to guess, or you should explain why she couldn't.) Also, "The waif-like woman" seems out of POV, IMHO, it should be replaced with "Jasal". The next sentence identifies "her" as a woman.
With the suggested opening changes applied:
quote:
"You're in a drift-state, but it's still you," said a synthesised tenor.Jasal drifted in murky fluids like an overripe that sagged on the stem. Black tubes penetrated her throat and nostrils, whilst finer, translucent tubes plunged into [the<--IMHO cut] anaemic flesh along her limbs.
Me? No, it can’t be—I’m on the beach, dreaming all this...
For a moment she was [again<--This sentence stopped me. I thought: She was WHAT again. After re-reading, I think cutting "again" would help clean this up. I also think this needs to be like a "tag" to her thought, so it's less confusing.]. She heard the harsh cries of the gulls circling above [her<--[IMHO - cut.] and the rhythmic crash of waves, but the image of the [IMHO - this needs enough of a descriptor to give us something to picture/separate her from Jasal.] woman stubbornly remained. The sounds of the beach diminished and [Jasal was forced to examine the stick-like woman; her<--Passive. IMHO, you should simplify: The beach faded as Jasal examined the emaciated(?) woman, whose] skin hung in folds[,<--IMHO cut.] like warmed wax[,] and fine veins spidered through the [glassy<--[Meaning shiny? transparent?] flesh.
[It<-->"This"?] can’t be me.
I hope this helps.
PS - If you have this finished, I owe you, so would be glad to return the favor.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 16, 2009).]
IB--it's a space crafts voice; it's why I didn't identify its sex.
I think the problem with this opening is that (apart from the waking cliche) it is trying to convey her confusion. The result is that everyone ends up a little confused.
I'll have a think about it.
Maybe start with the image of the woman, Jasal thinking, "That's my face... what is it doing on that woman who looks like melted wax?"
Then the voice tells her "It's you, you're in a drift state."
And then she thinks no, I'm on the beach...
And so forth. Just an idea.
What's important at this stage is picturing her drift state. What's important at this stage is that someone is revealing her true state and telling her to accept reality over dream. What's important at this stage is that she's struggling with this idea.
I had no trouble understanding what was depicted in this scene. I did not, however, realize her drift state is Matrix type, with someone feeding off her body. Or is it?
I'd love to read the rest of it.