The first 13 lines of a piece of Flash Fiction I completed about a week ago. I thought I'd post it as my first bit of fiction on here. Anyone who wants to read the full thing, let me know and I will email it to you. This is a first run, so it is a little rough. But it has a little bit of a twist and is less than 1000 words, which is what I was aiming for.
LISTENING OUT
I have wet hands, and I am panting. I’m sweating. I have a drink of cold water and steady myself by controlling my breathing. My heart slows down to its regular rhythm and I start to relax. I start to feel normal again. Noises from next door. The walls are pretty good at concealing the sounds of other residents in the block, but not that good. They’re perhaps a little thin in places, letting the odd sound come through here and there. It’s an old building. She’s in there. I wonder if she’s just doing the general things like tidying up, or fetching herself a drink, or getting the dinner ready. Maybe she’s just banging around in there to let someone on the other side know she’s still here.
Let me know what you think.
Regards,
Tony.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 30, 2009).]
Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :
kinda creepy. I didn't like the present tense at first but then it started to wear on me. I am not sure if I could endure it for long, but then again maybey I could. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. This one gave me mixed feelings.
Posted by TLH (Member # 8897) on :
Hi there. I know it is a creepy piece, and it is quite dark toward the end. I think that keeping it flash length was just right. I think it might be a bit too wierdo for much longer than 1000 words.
Regards,
Tony.
Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :
The first paragraph seems off to me, but I can't figure out why. If you're still looking for readers send it on.
Posted by TLH (Member # 8897) on :
Phobos and Scaredydog:
I have emailed you both the story if you wish to have a read and let me know what you think.
Regards,
Tony.
Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :
I still haven't recieved this - you might want to send it again.
Posted by g33ky monk3y (Member # 8896) on :
I'd like to read it if you want to send it.
I kind of agree though, the first couple of lines seem off. Can't put my finger on it.
Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :
Ok, got it this time. I'll try to get it back to you by the end of the weekend.