Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Hide and Seek

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Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

This is a new intro for a novella that I wrote some time ago. It's a space opera. I am planning on doing a thorough rework with all of the new things I've learned and sending it off for a SF novella anthology. My original opening started with the character waking up in a prison cell. Instead of starting with a cliche, I've decided to show how he got there.

Let me know what you think.
***

Charlie Moore sat in a booth in a dark corner of the bar watching the room. He was meeting a pilot to contract a ride on a small freighter that he hoped would slide under the notice of the Corporations that were looking for him. He had stayed too long. And while he could try relocating to another continent, it would be safer just to get off this planet.
He scanned the crowd for weapons. It had become a habit now. Years of sitting in an office drawing up labor agreements had never prepared him for this. Two years of running and the necessity of survival had forged this new self. It was true that he was smarter and stronger for the experience but it was starting to wear him down. Stealing a planet was certainly not
***

Version 2:

Charlie Moore stood in the shadow of a doorway scanning the busy street. Skimmers slid past as people from planets all over the galaxy scurried to catch their flights. The dock he needed to get to was on the east end of the spaceport but he had already seen two Corp agents in the crowd. Nothing about their dress told him which company they were from. It didn’t really matter. They were all looking for him. In the two years since he had stolen the planet he always stayed a step ahead. This time he was a step behind.
Pulling his hat down Charlie waited for a large group to approach and stepped into the flow of people. A glance ahead told him there was an agent off to the left. The man didn’t
***

Oh heck, here's the original version. Maybe it is where it's supposed to start, cliche or not. All opinions welcome.

Charlie sat up with a groan on the cold slab of stainless steel his captors called a bed. They had finally caught him. Two years of hiding and ducking his way around the quadrant and his luck had run out. The bounty they had put on his head had every wannabe bounty hunter looking for him while the other half of the system hid him. His head pounded from what he guessed was a very heavy stun ray but he wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. If he ever figured out who got him he would have to pay them a visit, a nasty visit. Swinging his feet over the edge of the bed caused his vision to sway and blur. Closing his eyes he gripped the edge tightly to keep himself upright. Sitting perfectly still the pain slowly subsided.

I came up with a mix of the two new ones. I looked over my old work and discovered that I probably need to rewrite the whole thing. Guess I'll get to put that NaNo training to good use.

Final Version: (Still open to critique.)

Charlie Nova stood in the shadow of a doorway scanning the busy street. Skimmers slid past as people from planets all over the galaxy scurried to catch their flights. The docks were full today and with a little luck he would be able to use that to his advantage.
He scanned the crowd for weighted pockets and bulging coats to see who carried weapons. It had become a habit now. Years of sitting in an office drawing up labor agreements had never prepared him for this. Two years of running and the necessity of survival had forged this new self. It was true that he was smarter and stronger for the experience but it was starting to wear him down.
The dock he needed to get to was on the east end of the

[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited December 12, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 12, 2009).]

Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :

While I applaud not starting with him waking up in a prison cell, I'm still not sure from this that you are starting where the story starts. The first 13 contains no actoin whatsoever, and the only real distinguishing hook - "stealing a planet" - comes right at the very very end.

Everything is a little flat here - things feel very generic (booth, bar, pilot, freighter, Corporations...). Without a distinctive setting or any action we are left pretty much with character, and while you portray that well enough, there isn't, again, anything that makes Charlie stand out.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

I don't think a slow start is necessarily a real big deal in a novella. It could probably be spiced up a bit, but I think the stealing a planet bit is a pretty big "hook." I also think that while its not super interesting to me, his musing about his transformation should be pretty interesting for the character-focused types.

Posted by sholar (Member # 3280) on :

The stealing a planet bit is what would hook me. The rest about character transformation might fit at a later point and be interesting, but since I don't know anything about him or who he was, at this point, I don't really care. My other, somewhat minor complaint is that the stereotypical RPG starts in a bar.

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

Thanks for the comments. I've been having a little trouble getting back into writing since NaNo ended and I see that my energy wasn't focused in this opening. I'll work on adding a little paprika, and maybe some cayenne pepper and post a revision soon.

Thanks for the kick.

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Dill!

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

Second version above.

Posted by g33ky monk3y (Member # 8896) on :

I like the first version with the character build up, even though it seems quick. The second is better though. Overall, it feels a little generic or vague.

Posted by ScardeyDog (Member # 8707) on :

My vote is for version 2.

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

Latest version posted above. I'm still happy to hear thoughts.

Posted by Owasm (Member # 8501) on :

I would continue to read on. I'm still not fully engaged, but I'm getting there with your final version. I think the problem is that I'm not quite into his head yet in the present and although I know he's on the run, I don't know what for or what they'll do to him if they find him, so I'm not familiar with the stakes. I'm sure that will come.

Posted by Nicole (Member # 3549) on :

I think Version 2 is much better than 1 and 3.

For me it's because in 13 lines you have placed your character in a new situation (always one step ahead and now one step behind) and given me a cool hook (planet stealing).

In 1 you had the hook at the end but the beginning was like tchernabyelo said, too generic.

In 3 you dropped the hook and added stuff about the character's past. If I had to pick, in this particular instance, I'd pick the hook.
I'm not saying background info that shows how much a character has gone through (like, "I used to knit for a living and now I'm using my needles to stab people") can't hook me. In this instance, as it is written, I don't feel it's better than the hook or establishing how his situation has changed (the one-step-bahind line).

Hope this helps somewhat. I'd read on Version 2, by the way.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

ok - you have version 1, version 2, original, and Final Version.
I like starting with his attempt to avoid capture rather than waking up on the table, so goodbye original.
Not that I have a lot against cliche's, but sitting "in a booth in a dark corner of the bar" is too much of one for me. It also implies inactivity, like he's just waiting for something to happen, so goodbye version 1.
Both version 2 & the Final have Charlie in a doorway, ready to move. I like the feel of the Final Version better, particularly the extra detail of how he tells who's carrying. I would lose the "Years of sitting..." part - he's already diferent, and this has been going on for 2 years and his desk job is ancient history more appropriate for some later time. I would try to fit the bit in about stealing the planet from Version 2.