Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Brideswalk-SF-8000wd

This is topic Brideswalk-SF-8000wd in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

This is an oldie. I posted it before, but recieved very little feedback. I would very thankfult to get a couple of dedicated readers. It is a future Earth scenario in which human kind has been nearly descimated by an advanced alien race which used Earth as a farm. They brought over enormous monsters that feed on humans and the aliens harvest valuable chemicals from the 'monsters'. Few scattered pockets of humans managed to survive underground and this is a story of a Brideswalk a dangerous above ground trip to exchange young woman to ensure adequate genetic material. Thanks in advance. I would be glad to exchange manuscripts if you are in need and would be willing to help.

I suppose it was the very nature of my guise which unraveled twelve years of deceit. It appeared that A-Dog had an affinity for boys.
My struggle with him was equal parts confession and discovery.
“You shiesty little b#&ch,” he exclaimed as his hand found the truth in the darkness. “One word of this and I will cut your mother’s heart out and eat it,” he told me, clenching my jaw with his coarse hands. Then he pushed me away. But this had harsher repercussions for me. I would now have to make the brideswalk, above ground.
I didn’t keep it from mother. She was smart, too smart to be a breeder. Too smart to exchange DNA with A-Dog. Besides, it didn’t

*Edited to censor my bad word *

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited January 29, 2010).]

Posted by Lionhunter (Member # 8766) on :

Add more tension. The MC's voice feels a little to peaceful, given the situation. More like a 3rd party commenting on the gripped jaw. That's how i feel it.

Posted by Nicole (Member # 3549) on :

I had a hard time following this. I feel like I should know a lot more about the context of your story to understand the meaning of what it is said.

It feels a bit disjointed, I don't feel I learn more with each sentence. As I read I got progressively puzzled.

I suppose it was the very nature of my guise which unraveled twelve years of deceit.
It's hard for me as a reader to care about 12 years of deceit or to attach any emotional meaning to this sentence.

My struggle with him was equal parts confession and discovery.
I don't know what's going on and I'm having confessions and discoveries? I don't care, tell me what's going on, tell me something tangible to feed my mind's eye. This struggle can be real or a metaphor.

I agree with Lionhunter, the MC seems very removed from the situation, maybe it's on purpose. It didn't bother me too much compared to what I mention first.

[This message has been edited by Nicole (edited January 28, 2010).]

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

I'm pretty sure I get everything up until the narrator says there are harder repercussions. This is when (I think) you really get into weird territory. THe bride's trip and that it is above ground, and that the narrator's mother is too smart to be a breeder is really rough to digest. THere is nothing really for the reader to hang his hat on. If this gets related soon enough into the story, it might work. But in the first 13, it's rough.

I think the peaceful vibe that Nicole and Lionhunter might be getting could be caused by the sense of chronological distance from the molestation to whenever the narrator is now. I don't see that as being too much of a hurdle for a reader. Of course, it's two to one that this isn't working, so you should definately look it over.

I know you explain part of this in the summary, but I wanted to tell you what I thought with just the actual story.

[This message has been edited by babooher (edited January 28, 2010).]

Posted by Brendan (Member # 6044) on :

Is the fundamental conflict with A-Dog? And is the theme exploring the sexual nature of the protagonist and A-Dog, including domestic violence? These points feel like the promise that the opening is giving. If the story is going a different direction, and the summary seemed to suggest it was, then this isn't the right place to start. It is not necessarily an opening promise that I would read - it would depend on my mood but usually I wouldn't.

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

I feel thrown into the story.

I lack proper understanding of events and while, in my opinion, well written it is hard to follow. That might work well within the bigger picture (I see 8000w in the subject line) when mysteries of the setting start to unravel.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

The thing is is that this has already been accepted into an anthology, the editor just asked that I edit some issues in the body, grammar mainly but some logic and flow as well. I just need some readers to help me smooth it out.

Posted by Foste (Member # 8892) on :

I would like to help.

If you want send it .

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
Is the fundamental conflict with A-Dog? And is the theme exploring the sexual nature of the protagonist and A-Dog, including domestic violence? These points feel like the promise that the opening is giving. If the story is going a different direction, and the summary seemed to suggest it was, then this isn't the right place to start. It is not necessarily an opening promise that I would read - it would depend on my mood but usually I wouldn't.

Yes, the antagonist is A-dog...more broadly, those responsible for the state of the human condition, especially regarding women. And on a positive note, the theme is about the self realisation of the main characters worth and her escape from this situation as well as a new hope for humanity in general.I assure you this is the start of the story as it is told. I expect some negative reviews especially since this deals with such a grim theme. But the theme is handled as tastefully as can be, hence the reason the molestation is described here in such a vague way. This however is about the most graphic the story gets. Another reason why I started with this description, because if the reader can stomach this thaen they will not be taken further from their comfort zone later in the story.

quote:
I think the peaceful vibe that Nicole and Lionhunter might be getting could be caused by the sense of chronological distance from the molestation to whenever the narrator is now. I don't see that as being too much of a hurdle for a reader. Of course, it's two to one that this isn't working, so you should definately look it over.

You are exactly right. This is definately intended to sound a bit distant. As you state there is obviously an indefinate amount of time since this event has occured as there is in any first person narrative. The chronologic buffer and proprietary censorship is essential to this story for two reasons. The primary reason is that this scene could not be 'shown' else it would be pornograghy and not art. By this narration I am able to tell a story and not disgust someone by offending their moral views. Also by starting with this scene I am getting the worst out of the way and therefore if the reader can palette this level of the darkness of which a human is capable then they will not be taken further down that path unknowingly later in the story.

[This message has been edited by a drunken three-armed monkey (edited January 29, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited January 29, 2010).]

Posted by Dropbear (Member # 8819) on :

Hmm, I like it. I'd be happy to read the manuscript. Just email it on.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
I feel thrown into the story.

That was and is always my goal

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Is the main character a female who has been masquerading as a male? Thats my main problem, I'm trying to make sense of A-Dog's affinity for boys and his hand finding the truth in the darkness and how it related to twelve years of deceit and the brideswalk.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

quote:
Is the main character a female who has been masquerading as a male? Thats my main problem, I'm trying to make sense of A-Dog's affinity for boys and his hand finding the truth in the darkness and how it related to twelve years of deceit and the brideswalk.

Yes, she has been disguising herself as a boy to avoid being sent to another underground refuge in a bride exchange which is tradition to maintain genetic diversity. But it was the characters very disguise which betrayed her, because...well you get the point.