I only kill Hitler on special occassions. No, that's not really true, killing Hitler makes any day a special day. I use it as a little pick-me-up, something to burn away the blues when I'm so far down in the dumps that happiness is the most distant of memories. Something about pumping a bullet into that psychopathic little painter just cheers me up.
It doesn't change anything. If you do something big the universe just shrugs it off, resets itself. Time is incredibly durable. I killed a bunch of people to be sure. All bad people at first, Hitler and Ghengis Khan. Nothing changed. I nailed Napoleon. Nothing. Corked Churchill. Nothing. I started to get a little desperate and gunned down Clara Barton and Albert Schweitzer. Nothing changed. I'm still the sole survivor. Hah! Do you
The opening does sound intriguing but it feels as if it is starting too quick. A lot of famous people getting shot. This premise could be about a video game but I sincerely doubt it.
I'd need another 13 lines before I could decide if this works or not.
Sorry I couldn't help more.
The actual problem I have here is that going back in time to kill Hitler really is cliche, which is what you're opening on.
I really like the voice, the casual nature of the first thirteen, and the hook for me is the sole survivor.
I like the tone. The tone is good. It's seems to me to be a bit Duke Nuke'm-ie but not in a way that is annoying or off putting.
Good luck with it.
~Sheena
JSchuler - Hmm, the idea of starting with the good people he killed has me thinking. I'll need to try that approach now just to satisfy my curiousity!
Telling me it has a video game feel isn't very helpful. Telling me it has a "Duke Nukem" feel, that is constructive.
Unless this is a story of killing Hitler, I suggest you keep that opening in. If it is about killing Hitler you better move on to the next project.
I've taken a not particularly bright MC and dumped him in a setup usually reserved for brainy types. I though it might be interesting to explore the psychological impact that has on him.
A subtle inspiration for this would have to be "The Quiet Earth." I still remember the MC from that movie going a little over the edge and pulling out a shotgun in church and demanding God show himself "or the kid gets it!"
I would also re-consider making your protagonist dumb--people like to identify with a protag, one who is dumb will be harder/unpleasant to relate to.
Following on from Skadder's post, it is possible (of course) to use both the killing Hitler cliche and a dumb MC, but it's harder than I'd be game to tackle (with admittedly limited skills)
If you're determined to go with the killing Hitler direction, I think the Desmond Warzel story "Wikihistory" (somewhere on the Apex and Abyss website) does it in a clever way in that it tackles the cliche head-on and makes a joke out of it.
As for dumb MCs, they can be frustrating if you don't give them something else to compensate. Homer Simpson is loveable despite his stupidity, but there's nothing worse than a character who's flat out stupid and doesn't take the obvious course of action.
Cheers,
Nick
As far as advising me not to write the story - I can't go along with that. Sometimes an idea gets into my head and just won't go away. I have to write it down and work it out if I want any mental peace. I'm not arguing the merits of the story one way or another with this point. I just have to finish some stories.
I agree with you that if a story insists on being written, you probably aren't going to get much of anything else done until you write it. So go ahead and finish it, and then see if it will work for readers.
"I killed a bunch of people to be sure. All bad people at first, Hitler, Stalin..."
"I killed a bunch of people to be sure. All bad people at first, Kenneth Lay, Bernie Madoff..."
"I killed a bunch of people to be sure. All bad people at first, Orwell, Heinlein..."
"I killed a bunch of people to be sure. All bad people at first, Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr..."
"I killed a bunch of people to be sure. All bad people at first, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates..."
"I killed a bunch of people to be sure. All bad people at first, JFK, John Lenin..."
Just look at the difference that list makes in knowing something about the character or the story. So, yeah, he can go around killing Ghengis Khan, and calling him "evil." So long as TaoArtGuy is aware that it says something about the character, it can be an extremely effective device.
Except why does Churchill follow Napoleon? For that matter, why's he on the list of "bad people at first"?
Third, the main thing most of us would do if we could change the past is to kill the little painter, (or maybe, at least foiling his attempts at power if we are more hesitant to murder) it is the perfect into because you are identifying with something that immediately tells us it is a time travel theme.
Also, your voice is wonderfully sarcastic and fatalistic in this. I love it.
However, it may also work to use another example if you are scared of cliche, it would also have that hooking power:
I only kill Walt Disney on special occasions. No, that's not really true, killing Disney makes any day a special day. I use it as a little pick-me-up, something to burn away the blues when I'm so far down in the dumps that happiness is the most distant of memories. Something about pumping a bullet into that chirpy grinning optimist just cheers me up.
It doesn't change anything. If you do something big the universe just shrugs it off, resets itself. Time is incredibly durable. I killed a bunch of people to be sure. All bad people at first, Hitler and Ghengis Khan. Nothing changed. I nailed Napoleon. Nothing. Corked Churchill. Nothing. I started to get a little desperate and gunned down Clara Barton and Albert Schweitzer. Nothing changed. I'm still the sole survivor.
See? Still hooks.
If the rest of your story keeps to this standard, I'd say you have a surefire winner here. Definitely submit it to the hardest market you can, like WOTF or something.
Again, Kudos!
But, even if it's the oldest and most tired of cliches, I think other posters are missing a slight detail, and that is that you're PLAYING it for the cliche value. The MC *knows* it's a cliche. Does it anyway. Result is - situation stays the same. Changes nothing. But the MC does it and we see his reaction (cheers him up.) Giving us the character's response to the cliche'd thing that is happening/he's done/etc. is, in my opinion, one way to play with cliches.
I'm reading a James Patterson YA book (one of the Maximum Ride books) and it opens with the protag (first person POV) telling us how running for your life really gets your heart pumping. And then a few paragraphs later, she wakes up. It's mirrored a few chapters later when the MC is running for her life while awake this time. It totally works, in part because of the irreverent voice of the MC, but also because he plays with the cliche by having her talk *about* the cliche. It's interesting, and compelling to read.
At any rate - onto some specifics of your 13:
quote:
I only kill Hitler on special occassions. No, that's not really delete really, doesn't change meaning of sentence true, killing Hitler makes any day a special day. I use it as a little pick-me-up, something to burn away the blues when I'm so far down in the dumps that happiness is the most distant of memories.the rest of your writing is wry and funny and evocative. This sentence fell flat for me because, perhaps - and yes I appreciate this is ironic - of the cliche of "distant of memories" and "down in the dumps." I suggest rewording, and have a feeling you can find another way to say what you want there. Something about pumping a bullet into that psychopathic little painter just cheers me up.new paragraph
It doesn't change anything. If you do something big the universe just shrugs it off, resets itself. Time is incredibly durable this is a really good word, but i have a feeling it's a good place to put in another descriptor or two for your weird time-traveling's world...analogy to teflon? flexible? like elastic - always snaps back?. I killed a bunch of people to be sure. All bad people at first, Hitler don't bother with Hitler again. Move on. Stalin is a good idea. You could go American cliche with Benedict Arnold. Modern with Qadafi, Hussein, or bin Laden, or old-school biblical Judas, Pilate, etc. and Ghengis Khan. Nothing changed. I nailed Napoleon. Nothing. Corked Churchill. Nothing. this bit is very funnyI started to get a little desperate and gunned down Clara Barton and Albert SchweitzerI also didn't get this reference, though I feel like I should. Maybe aim for someone more high-profile? Martin Luther King? Perhaps not someone who died by gunshot I suppose. Ghandi?. Nothing changed. I'm still the sole survivor. Hah! Do you
[This message has been edited by Nathaniel Merrin (edited February 10, 2010).]
quote:
I think other posters are missing a slight detail, and that is that you're PLAYING it for the cliche value.
I agree with Kay here, which is why I mentioned the wikihistory story (which does the same thing). However, I still couldn't get a good grip on the tone of the story (which is probably my fault). Guess it's a bit much to ask from a 1st 13, but that's what I wasn't sure about.
Nick