To my neighbor across the street, Hey there. I know it's been three years since you moved into the neighborhood, and we haven't ever spoken. That is probably my fault. I should have waited longer on your doorstep the last Christmas when I dropped off the Oreo truffles. I happened to see you poke your head out your front door and take them a few minutes later. I know you're busy with your robots so I didn't get offended you didn't bring me, an elderly widow, anything yet again this year. Although that is the neighborly thing to do. Now, the reason for this letter is to mention the foot traffic that keeps coming from your house. There are a lot of...How do I say this... odd shaped people coming and going from your back door. Now I'm not one to judge, or call the police at one in the morning when I hear explosions
Complete at 3700 words. Looking for fresh readers and comments on the first thirteen.
Thanks in advance, Sheena
*edited to replace the word cops, and one faulty comma.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited February 05, 2010).]
Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :
I think this is incredibly fun. I would love to read more.
The only thing I would change about the first 13 is the line "Although that is the neighborly thing to do." I'd cut this. I think it brings the narrator down a notch and I'd rather not have that.
Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :
I quite like it. I think however that the voice could be a little more old lady than it is. Unless there is a particular reason for it being as it is.
Some ideas:
Words like 'cops' may be used by elderly people, but I would expect 'police' to be used.
I also picture your lady as being a little more polite and subtle than some of her text displays--I picture elderly widows as needing to be a little more circuitous.
These are just suggestions to strengthen the voice. Bear in mind I live in the UK so my idea of elderly widow voice may be different to what you are trying to achieve.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 05, 2010).]
Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :
Nice voice, although I do agree with skadder about "cops" - it didn't feel right. I like the way you slowly transitioned from this seeming like a fairly normal situation (unconnected neighbors / Oreo truffles), to gradually introducing the strange (odd shaped people thru the back door, explosions). I'm curious whose POV we are going to wind up in - is it the old woman writing the letter, or are we reading over the myterious neighbor's shoulder?
Happy to read if you want to send it.
Posted by Corky (Member # 2714) on :
Why wouldn't she call the police if she heard an explosion in the middle of the night? Even if she knows where an explosion is coming from, her neighbor is exactly the kind of person who would give her cause for concern in the first place, and an explosion would be confirmation of that concern.
And unless she and her neighbor across the street are the only people within explosion-hearing distance, surely someone would call the police if they heard an explosion in the middle of the night.
Could the letter perhaps say that she wasn't the one who called the police, instead?
Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :
Babooher, I'm glad you like it. The line "Although that is a Neighborly thing to do," is a clue into her character. She is not a sainted grandma, although she is a good person, and I absolutely love her. She just thinks it is her place to instruct people on being polite. No matter how impolite she is while doing it.
Skadder, I agree on the cops comment. I've changed it accordingly. This is just Helen's voice. As the story progresses you see that she is a very sweet little old lady. She is telling off her neighbor here as politely as she can. She is actually pretty upset.
NTTT, The entire story is written in letters.
Corky, Good point, thank you.
I'm sending it to Babooher and NTTT.
Thanks everyone, and if anyone else wants to chime in please do. ~Sheena
Posted by TaoArtGuy (Member # 8857) on :
Cool. I'm getting the passive-aggressive vibe that the elderly can have where they always mention specifically the thing they are not complaining about. I'd be interested in reading more if you'd like.
Two quibbles: "Hey there" sounds a bit too casual of a greeting. (I hope I'm not the only one who can remember when people actually said "Hay is for horses.") I would also agree that explosions would not go unreported by this type of person. Strange noises could get a pass, though.
Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :
I'm hooked! You had me at "busy with your robots", and I think "that is a Neighborly thing to do" strengthened her voice. If you'd like more eyes, feel free to send the entire story to me.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
I think the voice in this is just right. 'The neighborly thing to do' is priceless. Keep it.
Good luck!
Posted by Teraen (Member # 8612) on :
This looks really interesting. I have no idea how you pull it off in letters only. I'll take a read.
Posted by Nathaniel Merrin (Member # 9002) on :
"Letter technique" provides for an effective narration. Could your neighbor-observer's voice be in straightforward narration? and, therefore, even more breezily colloquial and revealing of the narrator? Or else, could the rhetoric of her letters be even more this way?
Posted by axeminister (Member # 8991) on :
quote:I'm hooked! You had me at "busy with your robots",
I agree!
As for the explosions, it could be that they are perfectly normal and not police calling worthy. We already know there's robot working involved. Perhaps they explode often. It could be the frequency or volume that bothers Helen. Or it could bother her in the way that walking on her lawn might. I got yelled at frequently by the neighborhood biddy for walking on the grass. It's not really worth calling the police over, but she technically could have.