Hatrack River Writers Workshop: River of Blood

This is topic River of Blood - Suspense in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=003938

Posted by XD3V0NX on :

I'm looking for people who are willing to review my short story, River of Blood, which is 1,500 words.
Here are the first 13 lines. Thank you.

___________

River of Blood

The cold beer, I soon realized, was an exotic feeling I couldn’t survive without as it quenched my thirst and moistened my lips. I leaned against the aft rail of my boat, hearing only the silent screeches of seagulls a mile away as well as the rattling of four beer cans as the boat shifted, swaying side to side, with the sickening motion.

There was no telling where I was heading, but I knew the boat would take me anywhere it felt like taking me. I didn’t really care, though, not really. I just wanted to relax and let the beer take me to another dimension. It had always done wonders for me. The only difference this time, though, is that I’ve never drank on a boat before.

It was too much to handle. And though I wasn’t drunk, I knew I

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 23, 2010).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Why in the first sentence is the beer an exotic feeling? Because its on the boat?

quote:
with the sickening motion

This should probably be "a" rather than "the."

quote:
It was too much to handle.

What was too much to handle?

Is this a speculative story or mainstream suspense?

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

1. That seems to be quite the awesome beer. Methinks perhaps you're of the age where beer truly IS exotic. That's not a criticism, but a point of reference - beer just isn't exotic. Unless this is Romulan Ale, in which case the fanfic forums are elsewhere.

2. Put down the thesaurus, son. Your diction (quenched, moistened, etc.) is more noticeable than the story you're telling.

3. If the seagull's screeches truly were silent, how is Mr. Beer's hearing them? If the seagulls truly are a mile away, how is Mr. Beer's hearing them?

4. Magic boat. Sounds fun. Seriously. Work on the delivery, in my opinion, but keep the idea.

Oh, and... I noticed that you've posted 3 things for critique, but haven't critiqued anything for yourself yet. We learn as much from critiquing as we do from receiving critiques on our own work. Also, the give and take is an important part of keeping Hatrack operating and effective. That way, the circle of life continues, and one day we will all give birth to a virtual Simba that will then rule benevolently above us all. Or something.

[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited February 23, 2010).]

Posted by Rhaythe (Member # 7857) on :

quote:
That way, the circle of life continues, and one day we will all give birth to a virtual Simba that will then rule benevolently above us all. Or something.

Did you find one of those exotic beers as you wrote that?

quote:
If the seagulls truly are a mile away, how is Mr. Beer's hearing them?

Just for the sake of argument, I actually think that bit is fine. Those airborne rats-with-wings are LOUD. Get enough of them together, and you really can hear them over the ocean even at a distance.

[This message has been edited by Rhaythe (edited February 23, 2010).]