Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Torment (unfinished) 9,400 words so far

This is topic Torment (unfinished) 9,400 words so far in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by XD3V0NX on :

This could probably be better explained as a Novella. Here are the first 13 lines. What do you like about it? Does it catch your attention? What don't you like about it? Consider these questions when reviewing. Thank You.
_____________

My friends always get on my nerves, always had. I don’t know why, though, maybe it’s just because I naturally lose my cool easily. My friends find it amusing, though. Honestly, I shouldn’t let them get to me, right? Of course I shouldn’t. Everyone knows that kids and teenagers will purposely annoy the hell out of someone just to watch them get pissed off. And that is what my friends do. They will constantly say things like, “Steve, wearing that jacket with those sun glasses is not cool.” That shouldn’t bother me, but it does when someone else says that it does look good on me. It also bothers me when they say something like—well, particularly Ricky, who is, in fact, a complete genius: “You should definitely care what people think. I know you were raised by your parents to think that you

NOTE FROM KATHLEEN:

Please read "How to tell if it's exactly 13 lines."

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 25, 2010).]

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

This isn't working for me. You have someone describing how he gets annoyed easily and has punk friends who like pissing him off. I don't like him. I don't want to like him. I wouldn't read on.

Posted by stutson (Member # 8884) on :

The reasons for them pissing your MC off are okay, just too long. The point was made by the second or third sentence. Time to get into some action related to that. So far, there's a hint at something, but no hook to keep going.

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I agree with the posts before me - so far, nothing is happening other than an overly annoying bit of complaining. I don't even have a clue yet what the story might be about, and if I should care. Need to give me some hints, at least.

Posted by aspirit (Member # 7974) on :

I'm also not hooked. The narration is believable, clear, and (to me) relatable; however, the conflict is too ordinary. There's not even a hint that the conflict will escalate to something unusual.

Posted by Phobos (Member # 8883) on :

This kinda falls into one of my peaves.

quote:
My friends always get on my nerves, always had. I don’t know why, though, maybe it’s just because I naturally lose my cool easily. My friends find it amusing, though. Honestly, I shouldn’t let them get to me, right? Of course I shouldn’t. Everyone knows that kids and teenagers will purposely annoy the hell out of someone just to watch them get pissed off. And that is what my friends do. They will //constantly say things like, “Steve, wearing that jacket with those sun glasses is not cool.” That shouldn’t bother me, but it does when someone else says that it does look good on me.// It also bothers me when they say something like—well, particularly Ricky, who is, in fact, a complete genius: “You should //definitely care what people think. I know you were raised by your parents to think that you

I really felt nothing to stimulate me to read on here. The character seemed a mundane teen with little to complain of that had any interest. This felt like everyday fifth grade.

There is no way that I can put this without coming across as harsh, but this is one of the worst first person accounts I have ever encountered. I bolded all the pronouns and "I's" We know who is speaking so there is no need to have every line begin with I.

After that I italicized all the passive/weak verbs, adverbs, and other words with minimal value in prose.

This left me with little else. It is often difficult to write in the first person effectively.

I really had a problem very similar to this when I started. I got a brow beating like this one and it made me look at narrative differently and I am glad I did. I still have some trouble with first but I am definately improving.

Unfortunatly, I was unable to come to any real conlcusion about the actual plot. Perhaps there could be more story available if you revise this. You might also try writing the intro in the third and see if that comes across better. I am definately not trying to tell you how you have to write this story. Afterall it is yours, and my opinions are just that of one ametuer writer and avid reader. I am really not trying to be harsh here either. I just want to make sure that you end up on the right track so that you can tell your story in the most effective way possible.

Here is an example of an effectively written first person narration. Notice the lack of pronouns and how the prose is descriptive but resorts to telling the story from the focused POV of the narrator.

Clip taken from IGMS

"Silent As Dust"
by James Maxley

Intergalactic Medicine Show:Issue7 January 2009

quote:
The Company I Keep. I'm judging a talent show in the attic of Seven Chimneys. The theatre is a maze of cardboard boxes, gray with grime. The moonlight through the round window serves as our spotlight.
First up is Dan, a deer head with five-point antlers and a startled look in his glass eyes. Dan sings "Jailhouse Rock" as if it were a blue grass ballad, accompanied by Binky, a sock monkey with a quilted banjo.
Next comes Professor Wink, a 65-year-old teddy bear with one eye and half his original fur. Professor Wink is a juggler, keeping aloft a crochet mallet, a broken lava lamp, and the ceramic manger from the Christmas decorations.

[This message has been edited by Phobos (edited March 01, 2010).]