He tried to ease in to the left turning lane, but his mind was spinning with chaos. He extended a tremulous hand forward to turn on his blinker. His forearms spasmed with the restless nerve-chaos of withdrawal, and the cigarette between his fore and middle fingers dropped to the dilapidated floormat of his old Toyota. It was only one of a hundred instances of cigarette burns in the cloth interior as a result of his addiction, and he cursed softly, stamping it out with the heel of his shoe. He was too busy and occupied to worry about the state of his vehicle. He was within a half mile of re-upping.
Derek was a pillhead. He'd tried every pill under the sun.
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This is one of the darkest stories I've written, but it was my first attempt at writing about drug addiction in a character's mind and body, and what they would experience. This is actually a paranormal horror story. If you're interested, please let me know.
[This message has been edited by Violent Harvest (edited March 11, 2010).]
As an opening... it doesn't feel like the start of anything. It introduces us to the character, but it doesn't introduce us to the character's story. There's no moment of change here, no hint of forthcoming change. This is just something that happens to the MC that appears unremarkable (for him), part of his normal exstence. So why have you chosen to start the story here?
Sometimes my character development can start off a little slow, and although normally I would set the stage by focusing on setting or plot elements, the twists and directions that this story takes are very different and original from anything that I've done before.
I don't want to ruin it for you, but this actually turns in to a vampire story, believe it or not.
And then the second paragraph tells me this. I'm taken out of the story. So, not a fan of that part.
quote:
Derek's hands wouldn't stop shaking.
He tried to ease in to the left turning lane, but his mind was spinning with the chaos that only comes with true chemical dependency. He extended a tremulous hand forward to turn on his blinker. His forearms spasmed with the restless nerve-chaos of withdrawal, and the cigarette between his fore and middle fingers dropped to the dilapidated floormat of his old Toyota. It was only one of a hundred instances of cigarette burns in the cloth interior as a result of his addiction, and he cursed softly, stamping it out with the heel of his shoe. He was too busy and occupied to worry about the state of his vehicle. He was within a half mile of re-upping.Derek was a pillhead. He'd tried every pill under the sun.
I bolded all the times you came right out and stated he has a drug addiction. I suggest cutting all of it except maybe one reference. Trust your readers, we get it.
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited March 11, 2010).]
I think this hook could be a little more potent, but I'm glad it conveys what it was meant to. Better to have overdone it than to not have accomplished it at all.
Voice is great. Truthfully the only thing resembling a complaint I could make is theres no speculative element nor sign of immediate "conflict"...although really, on reflection again the addiction/withdrawal itself is a conflict of sorts. I think that, for those who would be interested in it anyway the voice and atmosphere will be hook enough.
quote:As noted, I don’t think tremulous fits the voice of the piece. How about the simpler “trembling”?
He extended a tremulous hand forward to turn on his blinker.
quote:This, to me, is overdoing it. If we make the observation he’s a junky, the spasm is self-explanatory.
His forearms spasmed with the restless nerve-chaos of withdrawal (
quote:Apart from the redundant overstatement, this makes me worry you’re going to launch into backstory. When the opening paragraph is more of a scene, I’d avoid backstory for quite a while.
Derek was a pillhead. He'd tried every pill under the sun.