New version
It wasn’t the first time Regn had wished that his cloak was woven of silk instead of wool, that his waterskin was full, and that his foodbag held more than crumbs. He was tempted to use a little amber sand and call up a spring, or a breeze, or something. But he took a firmer grip on his staff and continued down the dusty road. A forest began not far off, and Regn was eager for some shade. One large oak stood just off the path, its dusty green boughs beckoning. As Regn came under its shade, he paused. There was a man nestled in the curve of one broad root, apparently asleep. Regn wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, and sat down. The man opened his eyes and looked at him. “Ah,” he said, tilting his head back to look at the sun. “Early.
Original version
The sun was hot, and the dust clung to the roof of Regn’s mouth. His waterskin was empty, his foodbag held only crumbs. He smiled as he remembered one of Terdom’s earliest anecdotes: A wizard ought to often be hungry Regn, and for more than food. It will remind you why you are a wizard. He took a firmer grip on his staff as he continued down the dusty road. A forest began not far off, and Regn was eager for some shade. One large oak was just off the path, its dusty green boughs beckoning. As Regn came under its shadow, he paused. There was a man nestled in the curve of one broad root, apparently asleep. Regn wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, and sat down. The man opened his eyes and looked at him. “Ah,” he said, craning his neck to look at the sun. “Early. How
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[This message has been edited by WetherbyOwl (edited May 02, 2010).]
quote:
The sun was hot, and the dust clung to the roof of Regn’s mouth.
quote:
He smiled as he remembered one of Terdom’s earliest anecdotes: <i>A wizard ought to often be hungry Regn, and for more than food. It will remind you why you are a wizard.<i>
As a long time science fiction reader, wierd names don't bother me. I guess I'm easy that way.
Maybe it's just me, but most fantasy seems fairly standard at first glance. I figure fantasy readers have certain expectations in that regard. How the story unfolds is what sets it apart most of the time.
How it starts is apparently even more important. Without knowing the problems faced by Regn, I don't know what to say. Just reading that one paragraph, on its own, it could have come directly from a published fantasy story. As a first thirteen, I have learned that it needs a bit more umph. Good luck with that. Don’t give up--you obviously have talent.
Either I really am just easy, or the writing here is much better than one might expect from a group of mostly unpublished writers.
Couple other notes:
-- The first four words immediately put me off as too obvious. Of course the sun is hot.
-- You use dust or dusty twice in the first paragraph.
Good luck with this.
The stranger tipped back his hat and looked up at Regn.
"Ah, you're early."
Regn frowned. How could he be early? He...
I like your writing style. Of the many posts I see, only a few will get published and your writing style can take you places. Now for the nits:
The sun was hot,(agree with the comment that this is obvious and not needed) and the dust clung to the roof of Regn’s (I also agree that while fantasy names are often strange and even whimsical, this one is hard to pronounce in my head.)mouth.
His waterskin was empty, his foodbag held only crumbs. He smiled as he remembered one of Terdom’s earliest anecdotes: A wizard ought to often be hungry Regn, and for more than food.(I didn't mind the flashback. My only nit is the awkward prose. "Ought to often" is a moutful)
It will remind you why you are a wizard. He took a firmer grip on his staff as he continued down the dusty road. A forest began not far off, and Regn was eager for some shade. One large oak was just off the path, its dusty green boughs beckoning. (I like this)
As Regn came under its shadow, he paused. (You could combine this with the next sentence. Something like: Pausing under its shadow, Regn noticed a man nestled...)
There was a man nestled in the curve of one broad root, apparently asleep. Regn wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, and sat down. The man opened his eyes and looked at him. “Ah,” he said, craning (craning? To look at the sun?)his neck to look at the sun. “Early. How
(I agree with what has been said about a beginning. What is the event or life change that kicks off the story? Meeting this man? Post the rework of the first 13. I'd like to see it.
Good luck,
Wum
[This message has been edited by Welsh Hammer (edited April 19, 2010).]
I like the feel of the opening, and for me, meeting the buy was enough to get me going, and reading if all is well. And you are not that far off for me.
The first 2 sentences seemed passive, not in the passive sense of, The window was broken, by Jack. But passive all the same. Its the word "was" I strive very hard to eliminate that word as much as possible, it seems to weaken writing.
ex. The sun was hot and the dust clung to the...
The sun beat down on Regn, the dust clinging to the roof of his mouth.
ex. One large oak was just...
A large Oak stood solitary just off the path.
ex. There was a man nestled ...
A man lay nestled in the curve ...
I hope this helps.
cheers
The only thing I can think of to make it stronger would be to incorporate some of Regn's thinking about the man under the tree. He was obviously surprised to find him there, but why did he sit next to him? Was he expecting to find the man there? It could be something as simple as "Regne wiped the sweat from his brow with his sleeve, and sat down next to his mentor, or the stranger, or the bum, or the prince, or whatever." Hopefully it's something interesting because I would expect some conflict very soon.