1st 13 as below, any crits on the whole thing appreciated.
Version 1
Only a suicidal fool would enter a parasite block on the brink of falling. The block had tumoured on the outside of an abandoned skyscraper and its growth had leached the supporting wall as soft as cake. As long as someone might be inside though, Gary guessed he was that fool.
The entire building shuddered at each step. Inside the last room, a woman sat slumped on a bone chair, her long hair hiding her face. He wrinkled his nose at the sour milk stink of God-dust in her sweat. No wonder she didn’t notice the building shaking. <You need to leave,> he sent, followed by his police credentials. She raised her head. Emma? It couldn’t be. She’d killed herself two years ago.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 02, 2010).]
The first sentence feels long, but that might be me.
Think you need commas after skyscraper & inside.
Might want to split up the 2nd paragraph:
quote:
The entire building shuddered at each step. Inside the last room, a woman sat slumped on a bone chair, her long hair hiding her face. He wrinkled his nose at the sour milk stink (should those 3 words be hyphenated?) of God-dust in her sweat. No wonder she didn’t notice the building shaking.<You need to leave,> he sent, followed by his police credentials.
She raised her head.
Emma? It couldn’t be. She’d killed herself two years ago.
I like the overall feel, you have tension with the potential block collapse, and finding Emma feels like the incident that gets the ball rolling.
I'll read if you'd like, but it will be next weekend before I can get it back to you.
Other than that, I like it. Lots to keep me involved.
So for me, it was too much, too fast.
NoTimeToThink: It started off as a re-write of Boaters but mutated into a completely different story.
Regards,
Nick
quote:
The parasite block had tumoured on the outside of an abandoned skyscraper and its growth had leached the supporting wall as soft as cake. Only a suicidal fool would enter a blocked building on the brink of falling. As long as someone might be inside though, Gary guessed he was that fool.
You could also move my first sentence to the end of that paragraph, but this just flowed better for me.
If you need a third I can take a look at it.
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited May 03, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Utahute72 (edited May 03, 2010).]
I like tumoured as verb, but leached piles on for me. I'd prefer tumored, leaching construction, which would make "and its growth" unnecessary.
Gary guessed he was that fool, comes too late. I've forgotten all about the opening sentence by then. The parasitic concrete concept is too cool. You might salvage this by making it direct thought or even speach. "I guess I am that fool," Gary muttered, stepping onto the uneven surface (and maybe a sharp specific detail of that surface - how does tumor contrast regular stonework?)
I'd suggest having the building shudder at his initial step only. That gives that first step a sense of escalation. The story starts with that step, in a sense. If it's just one of many steps, it's far less interesting (in the moment).
Inside the last room leaves too much out. For this to work, we need a sense of his objective, an escalation of his progress in that objective, a potential complication. As it stands it's too glib for me.
When she raises her head, he should SEE a familiar detail that creates his recognition response. Stimulus-response. Killed herself two years ago is a nice little shock.
Good job conceptually. Needs more work at the prose level, i think.