Anyway, let me know how it is now.
Thanks.
________________________________________________
Brittany was sure, as she leaned against a tub filled with water, that he'd killed her boyfriend Ronny. His screaming in the room sounded like he was burning to death, and she was too scared to move or attempt escape.
She remembered the bull****, too, Ronny had fed her thirty minutes ago: “I’ll talk to him, sweetheart, don’t worry. He won’t hurt you.” Yea, a lot of good that did.
Look at you now, Ronny, she thought, peeking at the door. You're trapped in there with my psychotic ex-boyfriend!
“Don’t leave this bathroom no matter what happens, okay?”
She’d nodded, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door.
Now, thirty minutes later, Jacob was probably in there killing him like he’d promised.
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited June 07, 2010).]
There are elements of withholding and a series of typos (tube? tub) within the text.
It doesn't feel as though you have given much thought to the impact your word choices will have. 'Stunned eyes' suggests the guy is alive, when in fact he appears to be dead.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 16, 2010).]
Having said that, what recent somewhat popular movie intertwines the "waking cliche" arguably successfully?
Yep, you guessed it. Avatar. and they repeated the "but eventually you have to wake up theme" a few time in the movie.
oh, what fun, eh?
By the way very visual writing to me.
[This message has been edited by honu (edited May 17, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by honu (edited May 17, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by honu (edited May 17, 2010).]
To paraphrase OSC, everything in a story should be able to fight for the right to be in the story, and if you can do it better some other way, get rid of the way that isn't as good.
If you can start a story better without having someone wake up, then do it. If the absolutely only possible way to start the story is with someone waking up, then that's what you have to do. But you have to be sure it really is the absolutely only possible way to start.
Thanks.
As a scenario, it has the right elements to hook us, but I think you need to look at how you give the information.
The problem with the line “He killed my boyfriend Ronny…” is that we learn he is alive at the end. There’s too much certainty in the opening line and that creates confusion at the end. Because this story is being told in first person, past tense, the implication is that the narrator has survived and it telling us this story in retrospect. She’s telling us the story and she knows he survived (at the point she’s picked up the story). As such, it needs to be clear that that at the time the narrator thought her boyfriend was dead.
Because the entire story is written in past tense, I think you need to spell out “he was” rather than abbreviating it. I commonly read “he’s” as “he is” even though it could be either. Other people mightn’t have a problem with it.
quote:
I couldn’t escape, though, ]because I was sitting on the floor in the bathroom leaning against a tub filled with water.
Using “because” implies that the second half of the sentence will explain the first. Sitting on the floor doesn’t explain why she can’t escape. The two clauses are unconnected.
quote:
The screaming coming from the room sounded like someone was burning to death, the noises sounded demonic, and the following silence was deathly quiet.
A suggest trim could be: “The screaming from outside sounded like someone was burning to death. Deathly quiet followed.”
For me, someone screaming like they were burning to death implies a horrible sound. While deathly quiet is a type of silence, I think they’re close enough in meaning to directly say that the deathly quiet followed or something like that.
quote:
I got to my feet and silently walked to the door in front of me.
You can trim this by implying actions and relying on the reader’s assumptions. For example “I rose and crept to the door.”
“I rose” implies getting to her feet, “crept” uses a stronger verb to eliminate the adverb “silently” and the reader will assume the door is in front of her if she walks to it.
quote:
Slowly opening the door, I heard Ronny’s voice:<i>What are you doing, Brittany?</i>
Since we’re in first person, it’s implied that it’s the protagonist “writing” the story. By using a filtering phrase such as “heard”, you’re making us aware that there’s a narrator separate to the protagonist. I’d remove it entirely by saying something like “I slowly opened the door. “What are you doing, Brittany?” Ronnie said.”
Cheers
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 24, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited May 25, 2010).]
So what you are basically saying is I tell this story in present tense, rather than past tense? So, if the narrarator does die, which she does (she doesn't tell the whole story, just this beginning part) would it be easier to tell this in either present tense pov...or a third person pov? It would make more sense, wouldn't it?
I'm thinking I should write this in third person now.
Anyway, thanks. You gave me a few things to think about.
-The screaming coming from the room sounded like someone was burning to death, the noises sounded demonic, and the following silence was deathly quiet.
The second part (the noises sounded demonic) is redundant. Handling metaphor is a skill and I think that if you can avoid the word 'like' you are better off. Also words like 'someone' add little to imagery or effect as they aren't specific.
-Screaming or screams? I think screams, it is briefer.
I'm not sure the metaphor works here, anyway. It sounds like murder is happening behind the door--not burning. A person (in this case the reader) should be drawn to imagine (as the protag would) more relaistically what is going on behind the door. If I heard screams I would imagine someone being gutted with scissors from the bathroom cabinet--something relevant anyway. By suggesting burning, you are pushing the reader somewhere else, which seems a waste.
If, of course, it is demonic burning, then a hint of smoke or bright light through the key hole or through the gap under the door.
quote:
So what you are basically saying is I tell this story in present tense, rather than past tense? So, if the narrarator does die, which she does (she doesn't tell the whole story, just this beginning part) would it be easier to tell this in either present tense pov...or a third person pov? It would make more sense, wouldn't it?
It's bothersome that she lies to us in the first line. I understand, intellectually that she THINKS Ronny is dead, but it comes across as she knows it.
I like the way this ends. I do want to know what Ronny is up to in there. You might want to introduce a smell in the opening situation, as that helps to make a scene more three dimensional and can help to characterize too. How a person perceives a smell can say something important about how they perceive the world around them or the situation they're in, or their emotional state, etc.
Hope this helps.