<i>He’s got something planned for me,</i> Susan thought as she sat next to Jimmy in the RV they rented a few days ago, and they were listening to music. <i>But what are you planning. I know it’s our Honeymoon and all, but really, why’s you gotta be so kept to yourself all the time. That really bugs me, baby. I just wish I could tell you how much you scare me.</i>
“You’re going to love this place, babe,” Jimmy said, one hand on the wheel, his hair slicked back. He looked like a greaser, actually. In fact, almost every time Susan looked at him, she was reminded of John Trovolta on Grease. “This place is insane and it’s pretty secluded. No one’ll bother us, I’m telling you that right now.”
 

It will somewhat help your cause if you use this [ i ] and [ /i ] for italics.

I see five main problems with this piece:

Having read the first 13, I am first struck with why is this guy trying to be so "slick" and then renting an RV. But I'll move beyond that.

Second, the conjunctive phrase ",and they were listening to music." comes out of nowhere and goes the same place. You also change Susan's perspective from "He's" at the beginning to "you" in the next sentence. "I know it's our Honeymoon..." is a little infodumpy, but is bothersome more because it isn't a natural thought.

Third, and most bothersome, is why she suddenly starts thinking in a Jersey accent and then stops.

Fourth, you have strange sentence structure and punctuation in the second paragraph.

And finally, I do not see a hook.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited July 21, 2010).]
 

First of all, this set up has been used to introduce way too many of the same horror stories. Generic couple composed of assured male and apprehensive female goes off to a secluded location... This scenario has already had all the possible suspense wrung out of it. Your audience will expect what's coming next and will find it all the more difficult to really care about your story. You might want to consider starting later on in your overall time line and exploring other strategies for building suspense.

On a smaller note, I feel like the writing could be tightened up a bit. The "and they were listening to music" at the end of the first sentence just felt awkward. I wouldn't really give details about the background environment unless a character was going to respond to that specific detail or unless it enhanced the mood of the scene somehow. For example, when you gave the detail about Jimmy's "hair slicked back," your female character immediately responded to that detail by thinking about how he reminded her of John Trovolta. I liked that.

This intro doesn't hook me. It feels rushed and written with little thought.
 

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 29, 2010).]