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Jimmy lay on the side of the road, a large bloody gash on his forehead, cuts up and down his bare legs and arms, and red ooze gushed out of the cut circling his neck.
Susan stared down into his helpless eyes and felt a cold wind, feeling like a child's touch, crawl along side her cheek.
"Jimmy..." she peeped, her heart beating faster and faster as the seconds slowed on. "Oh, God. No. It can't... this can't..."
It had all happened so fast. First they were in the RV, on the way to this secluded beach, and next thing she knew, he was thrown out the front window flying fifty yards through the air.
She looked all around, sweat burning her eyes, seeing not a person in sight. The RV was gone, and she was pretty sure it had been stolen by laughing, demon children.
[This message has been edited by XD3V0NX (edited July 29, 2010).]
Good luck.
Everything following should be taken as IMHO (In My Humble Opinion). My take:
quote:
Jimmy lay on the side of the road, a [large<--Cut.] bloody gash[es] on his forehead, [cuts up<--Cut.] and down his bare legs and arms, and [red ooze<--If this is blood, just say it.] gushed out of [the<-->a] cut circling his neck.Susan stared down into his [helpless<--Are the eyes helpless, or is she? Cut.] eyes and felt a cold wind, [feeling<--Cut. you already said "felt"] like a [child's touch<--Maybe this could be a darker metaphor, and would also help indicate they type of story or foreshadow events to com.], crawl[ing] along [side<--Cut.] her cheek.
"Jimmy..." she [peeped,<--just "said," is best. the reader will envision it by the next part:] her heart beating faster [and faster<--Cut.] as the seconds [slowed on<--Huh?]. "Oh, God. No. It can't... this can't..."
[It had all happened so fast. First they were in the RV, on the way to this secluded beach, and next thing she knew, he was thrown out the front window flying fifty yards through the air.<--Illustrate this during the story. This only stops the action (progression) to back up. So, cut it.]
She looked all around[.][, sweat burning her eyes,<--I thought there was a "cold" breeze?] [seeing n<--Cut. N]ot a person in sight. The RV was gone[, and she was pretty sure it had been stolen by laughing, and demon children.<--you might consider putting this in later.]
Hope this helps.
Susan looked around as sweat burned her eyes. There was no help in sight. The RV was gone, and she was pretty sure it had been stolen by laughing, demon children.
Then go into the rest:
Jimmy lay on the side of the road with a large bloody gash on his forehead. Cuts covered his legs and arms, and red ooze gushed out of the cut circling his neck.
Susan stared down into his pained eyes. A cold wind, like a child's touch, crawled along side her cheek.
"Jimmy..." she said, her heart beating fast as the seconds seemed to slow. "Oh, God. No. It can't... this can't..."
It had all happened so fast. First they were in the RV, on the way to this secluded beach, and next thing she knew, he was thrown out the front window flying fifty yards through the air.
I think putting that senttence first gets our attention more. We want to know about the demon children. It will help keep people reading further.