Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Deconstruction (5,300 words)

This is topic Deconstruction (5,300 words) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

The story is called Deconstruction and it's 5,300 words long. Looking for feedback on the 13 lines and readers if you are interested. It's finished and ready to go.

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Saltori dela Roush downloaded the Labor_TataRobotics client while his body was lounging in his seventieth floor flat, high above Rio. His senses—tricked up with high rez eye-screens and full haptic sense-webs—could be anywhere in the world surfing fully functioning sex-pros, joy riding armored mechs fighting the Lonely War in Ukraine or just ghosting a projection to profit from the intellectual spaces that layered the populated biosphere.
Instead, he was patching into a crude mechatronic in a Tata Robotics factory in Pune, India to assemble leg joints. The average worker could assemble one every ten minutes, barely earning a subsistent wage. Saltori had underbid the lowest rate by two hundred percent to earn a chance to work on the factory floor.
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Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I like it. There are terms I am not familiar with and I think you could lose a few of the modifiers to tighten it up.

Posted by LDWriter2 (Member # 9148) on :

Not a bad opening but personally I think there's too many unfamiliar words in the first sentence, Words a reader would have to figure out. And again personally I think the first two sentences are kind along.

The idea is to reach and grab the reader by the throat in the least amount of time you can. Of course some writers get away with longer, more complicated sentences. It might depend on what the reader is expecting, if he's read the writer before and the writer's skill.

Sounds like it could be interesting, provocative and kinda prophetical. You might put the working on the floor part sooner.

Remember this all comes from a guy who has had just one story published three years ago.

Posted by Osiris (Member # 9196) on :

I like it. I'd suggest making the client name that he is downloading something shorter so the sentence flows better. I'm not too put off by the unfamiliar words because I feel the context allows us to understand what they mean.

It might make sense to bring the last 2-3 sentences about working in the factory up behind the first line, then go into what he could be doing instead. Might be worth considering.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

Excellent, you're channeling Gibson and Stephenson, right? Really fun start. It's cyberpunk subgenre, I presume (that might clear up some confusion. People deep in sci-fi would be familiar with the idea and thus perhaps more accepting of some of the terminology? Future ref you might consider labeling the genre/sub-genre in the title of the post.)

Agree with other posters about the second sentence, though. It's just a monster, and even with a cyberpunk lens and some solid appreciation for the sub-genre, I can't quite puzzle out what "just ghosting a projection to profit from the intellectual spaces that layered the populated biosphere" means. I have a feeling you're laying a little piece of foundation to help us understand how Saltori makes his money before you talk about him lowballing a bid to do factory work in Pune, but you might need to be more specific. Additionally, you could break that second sentence easily by saying "His senses were tricked up...sense-webs. He could be anywhere..." Does that make sense?

Great start, great hook, interesting premise, now you have to deliver! I imagine your biggest challenge with this will be keeping up pace in a 5300 word story.

Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

Kayti - yes, I would put it in the post-cyberpunk subgenre. It's a bit of an idea story, so it's not laced with that thick prose the whole way through.

Posted by Twiggy (Member # 9209) on :

I like the concept. I did have to read it twice to really pick up on the meaning but that may be because I'm not familiar with some of the terms.
At first glance, I don't know if I would have read on if I came across this in an anthology because it felt like hard work.
However, once I made myself read it again, I definitely liked it. Other readers seemed to have no problem, so I might just not be your target market.

I will be happy to read the rest if you want general feedback, but I won't have time to do a line edit.

Posted by thomaskcarpenter (Member # 9192) on :

Thanks for the offer, send me your email so I can send you a copy. Not looking for a line edit, just anything that sticks out.

[This message has been edited by thomaskcarpenter (edited September 08, 2010).]