Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Vampire (10,800w) : First 13, request for reader

This is topic Vampire (10,800w) : First 13, request for reader in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :

I sent out my first draft to a friend - first time I've ever had anyone read a story I've written. His feedback was excellent, and it helped me tighten the story. But now I'm driving myself insane rereading and editing and alternating between loving it and hating it...I need to get out of my own head. Is there a "wise reader" out there who'd like to read all 10,800 words and give me "big picture" feedback -- your overall sense of the story -- plus point out any plot holes, confusing passages, incongruities and the like?

---First 13---
I lie upon frozen blades of grass, and the scent of decaying oak leaves mingles with the fainter forest pines. I am in someone's garden. What a shock tomorrow, when they find a skeleton at the edge of the forest. It will cause quite a stir. But that will no longer be of consequence to me.
Twice, I hear a light tread across a wooden floor, down steps, coming toward me from a distant house. Only the second time do the footsteps come close enough for me to catch a scent: a woman.
I could take her; perhaps it would help. If it does not, her companions will find her before dawn. Find me. It will be worse than death by sunlight.
“Are you hurt?” I turn my head and see a slip of a woman,

---Revised---
“Are you hurt?” I turn my head and see a slip of a woman, the flush of life in her cold-reddened cheeks, her warm breath frosty in the winter air. Her gaze is steady, her scent unpanicked; this is not a woman to blanch at the first difficulty. Beneath a healthy wariness of ashen strangers lying in one's yard in the pre-dawn darkness, she means to help me.
I look at her house in the distance, thick curtains at every window. They offer me hope.
#
He was a dark lump near the woods. At first I thought raccoons had pulled a bag of Mark's old clothes from the shed.
I was fairly certain the shed was locked, of course. But
---Revised 2x---
The scent of frozen grass and decaying oak leaves mingles with the fainter forest pines. I am in someone's garden.
What a shock tomorrow, when they find a skeleton at the edge of the forest. It will cause quite a stir. But that will no longer be of consequence to me. 
Twice, I hear a light tread across a wooden floor, down steps, coming toward me from a distant house. They come close enough the second time for me to catch a scent: a woman.
 I could take her; perhaps it would help. If it does not, her companions will find her before dawn. Find me. It will be worse than death by sunlight.
“Are you hurt?” I turn my head and see a slip of a woman, the flush of life in her cold-reddened cheeks, her warm breath
------

[This message has been edited by Grayson Morris (edited October 20, 2010).]

[This message has been edited by Grayson Morris (edited October 21, 2010).]

Posted by KMMeyer (Member # 9278) on :

I enjoyed the first thirteen lines of this, and I would definitely like to read the full version. It would probably be this weekend before I could get it back to you though.

While I liked the description in the first line, I think beginning it with the words "I lie" makes it weak. As a reader I want to experience the scenery with the MC. I don't want them to just tell me what is happening to them.

Perhaps you could just start with "The scent of decaying oak leaves"?

This is just my personal preference though, so stick with what works best for the mood you are trying to create.

Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :

Krysti, thanks for being a willing reader! And thanks for the feedback. I looked critically at that first part, and I've revised my first 13 above (in the original post) as a result.

Actually, getting your response at the end of the weekend would be great -- I'm swamped with work and this will force me to stay away from the story until then. ;-)

Is .doc format okay?

Posted by KMMeyer (Member # 9278) on :

That would be great!

Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :

I've put a second revision of the first 13 in my initial post. The first revision cut too much from the first scene to make it work.

I've got two people now reading what I believe is the near-final draft of the story. Any other takers? If not, what turns you off? (Very helpful feedback...so please feed me. :-) )

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I like the second revision and the original version. The only thing that bothered me was not knowing who would be helped and in what way they would be helped, in this passage:

I could take her; perhaps it would help.

Good luck with it.

Posted by coralm (Member # 9274) on :

I like the second revision very much, the smells really draw me into the scene. I'll be happy to take a look at the entire draft if you're still looking for readers. Doc format works fine.

Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :

WouldBe and coralm - thanks for the feedback!

The story opens in the vampire's POV, and I'm relying on the title to cue the reader. But it sounds like I might be relying too heavily on reader familiarity with the vampire canon.

coralm - story's in your inbox! Thanks.