Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Blue Bloods - 5600 word alternate reality

This is topic Blue Bloods - 5600 word alternate reality in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by jamangan (Member # 9422) on :

Here's the first 13 lines from a short story I've been working on. Feedback would be appreciated, along with volunteers to read the whole thing. Thank you. Happy to read other's work in return.

Everyone stopped, ears alert but faces slack. The wind howled around the house, though it could not mask the sound of approaching vehicles.
“They’ve come,” I said, meeting Charlie’s grey eyes.
My words spurred him into action, coming around the table and seizing my hand.
“James, take the other children upstairs but keep them away from windows. Start getting bags together then pick a room and stay in it,” he said over his shoulder as he pulled me towards the east hall.
“I can help,” James said, moving away from the table.
“No. You can’t. Go with the others. If things go wrong…” Charlie didn’t need to finish. We all knew what would happen if the Loyalists got through the front door.

Posted by babooher (Member # 8617) on :

The good: You've got conflict to draw the reader in.
The bad: I'm not getting a sense of time or place. You talk of Loyalists and Bluebloods, but that doesn't really nail down the time. The house decor and heating aren't established so I can't pick up on those clues. You also use vehicles but that could mean more than one thing. Are you talking about cars and trucks or wagons and buggies? Finally, I have no sense of the narrator. He or she is barely there.

If you don't need a super fast reply, send it my way and I'll crit.

Posted by Grayson Morris (Member # 9285) on :

It's a good hook, and the writing is good enough to make me believe the author can deliver a good story. Two nits, one small, one larger:

(small nit) I think you need a comma in "...Start getting bags together, then pick a room and..."

(larger nit) Because Charlie addresses James directly after coming around the table to seize the narrator's hand, I assume the narrator is James. Then James speaks and clearly isn't the narrator, which is jarring. Perhaps add a transition there, such as
"...seizing my hand. Then he turned to James and said, 'Take the other children...' "

(third nit, of medium size and just bubbled up) I'm not crazy about the "My words..." sentence; the construction seems to imply the words came around the table. (Since that's impossible, your intended meaning is also the one ultimately taken by the reader, but it's awkwardly written.) I'd prefer something like ".....into action, and he came around the table and seized my hand."

Hope this is useful feedback!

[This message has been edited by Grayson Morris (edited February 22, 2011).]

Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :

I was confused by POV.

Are there two, three, or even four people involved here? If I get this right there is a Narrator, James and Charlie. Perhaps the POV could be better established.

As far the content goes, I like that the conflict is already established at the end of the first 13.

I like the start of this, I am just confused on the POV.

Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :

I also had problems with POV. I think the problem is with this construction:

quote:
My words spurred him into action, coming around the table and seizing my hand.
“James, take the other children upstairs but keep them away from windows. Start getting bags together then pick a room and stay in it,” he said over his shoulder as he pulled me towards the east hall.

This is all about Charlie, but it is separated in such a way that it confuses the reader. I suggest combining all of this into one paragragph. You can keep everything pretty much as it is with some minor changes. In addition, I have found that shorter sentences are better during action sequences. My suggestion:

quote:
My words spurred him into action. Charlie came around the table and seized my hand. “James, take the other children upstairs, but keep them away from windows. Start getting bags together, then pick a room and stay in it.” He pulled me towards the east hall.

I also agree with what babooher stated - this might give you some room for better detail to help with time and place.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited February 22, 2011).]

Posted by NoTimeToThink (Member # 5174) on :

I agree with others - POV confusion is killing your opening. I had to keep going back to the start because I only saw 2 people, with James as the narator/not the narator.
Also, it might just be me, but "ears alert" made me picture wolves, or some other creature with ears that physically adjust. I don't think that was your intention - substitute "listening."

Posted by Josephine Kait (Member # 8157) on :

Ditto with the POV confusion. I would also recommend that you shift from 1st to a very close 3rd, which might also help with POV.

The vague “vehicles” plus the “stay away from the windows” had me almost thinking alien invasion until you got to “Loyalists” which puts me in mind of the American Revolution. I like the tension and action, but I don’t like being confused about what story I’m in.