Hatrack River Writers Workshop: This One's Untitled

This is topic This One's Untitled in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :

Finishing up several projects, but just had to put this one up. A short, incomplete. Would you read on?

I was in a hurry the morning my bicycle chain broke. One long hill, smooth sailing to Byzantium, and by God I was going to make it to Betty Pilager’s house before she slipped away forever. I wanted a goodbye kiss. Instead, I got a bruised crotch and what was darn close to if not an actual concussion.
Betty Pilager slipped away forever.
“Mike?” a voice hovered somewhere.
I opened my eyes and saw two directions at once. Somewhere in the middle was my best friend, Norman Atwater.
“Hmm…” I said, dreamily. I don’t recall what I was thinking about at the time but it sure wasn’t Norman Atwater.
“Hey Mike! You okay?”
“Uh-uh.”

Posted by starsin (Member # 4081) on :

To be blunt...probably not. There isn't much going on...why does he want the good-bye kiss? Who is Betty Pilager and what is she to the Main Character? Why is he in a hurry? Where is she going and why is it that by going there she has "slipped away forever"? There's a lot of...I don't know...emptiness(?) here. Stuff is going on and happening, but without knowing these things...mainly the "Why", I personally feel little to no desire to continue on. The only real reason I'd continue is to find this out.... Perhaps this information will be conveyed to me by the end of the first page, but from the first several lines...not really.

Sorry if I came off as rude btw...

[This message has been edited by starsin (edited March 11, 2011).]

Posted by RoxyL (Member # 9096) on :

Your voice is great. It's easy to read, and personable. I would read on for the very reasons the previous poster would not. I'd like to find out all the 'why's' and the writing seems competent enough to provide a good story with good answers. I guess that's what personal preference is all about, eh?

Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :

I might read on. I think if you answer all the "why" up front, then I wouldn't want to read on because there would be no reason to continue.

After all this is only the first 13 lines.

Here are my suggestions:

The first lines are awkward. I would start with "I wanted a goodbye kiss. Instead, I got a bruised..." Then go on to say I would have made it if my bike chain ect....

"I don't recall what I was thinking about at the time but ti sure wasn't Norman Atwater."

My thing is you just recalled to us what you were thinking about: Betty and her kiss.

I agree with RoxyL your voice is great. I would read on to answer the whys mentioned by starsin, but make very sure you answer all those before the story is over.

Posted by Tryndakai (Member # 9427) on :

I like it.

Again, for reasons of your voice. You've got a bit of a whiplash humor going on here, quick and precise and occasionally abrupt.

I really like these lines:

quote:
One long hill, smooth sailing to Byzantium, and by God I was going to make it to Betty Pilager’s house before she slipped away forever. I wanted a goodbye kiss. Instead, I got a bruised crotch and what was darn close to if not an actual concussion.
Betty Pilager slipped away forever.

*except* for the "what was darn close to if not an actual . . ." that slows the snappiness *way* down. And especially since you have him seeing two directions in the next couple lines, I'd just ditch the hedging and say "I got a bruised crotch and a concussion."

My other nit is that, in jumping from "the morning my bicycle chain broke" immediately to him riding said bike, and then the results of the chain breaking . . . it jumps back and forth too quickly over too short a time period to really be useful in the "this is what happened. Now let me tell you about it . . ." sort of way. I'd ditch the "flashback" and just tell it chronologically. Just start at "One long hill . . ." and go from there.

Also, I'm left rather curious about "Byzantium" . . . is that some kind of allusion to his dream girl's kiss? I'm assuming he's not *actually* biking down to the ancient Greek city . . . I'd have to look it up to see if I'm missing something.

[This message has been edited by Tryndakai (edited March 12, 2011).]

Posted by andersonmcdonald (Member # 8641) on :

Thanks all!

EVOC - "My thing is you just recalled to us what you were thinking about: Betty and her kiss."

Well, technically, he was thinking about that before the wreck, not afterwards. Maybe I should make that clearer.

Tryndakai - "Sailing To Byzantium" is used very loosely here, but if you google it you'll get the gist. I stole it from a Yeats poem, but so have a lot of other people.