Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Twisted

This is topic Twisted in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by btharvey (Member # 9497) on :

(If the UBB codes don't pan out, I'll forget them next time)

Cliford watched the colors fly by as he fell through the travel streams from his study to his workshop. The streams fascinated him, no two same colors ever appearing at the same time, nor any two similar colors near each other, and yet there wasn't ever a rainbow. Ever.

Someday he might build a workshop right next to his study. Or next to his home, for that matter. It would probably be easier not to have to pinch his way back and forth all the time. But since he can pinch, why not? For him, it is just as easy to travel continent-to-continent as it is to put out the cat. (Ok, it is easier, since he has to find Fluffy, before he can put her out.)

I wonder why I even experience this , he thought, since

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 05, 2011).]

Posted by EVOC (Member # 9381) on :

Here is the main problem with this first 13. You spent the whole hook telling me about one moment in time. Your MC traveling through these "streams."

It doesn't promise much of a story.

There are some other things I liked and disliked:

You mention colors three times if the first two sentences. By watching colors fly as he fell is just doesn't sound right imo.

Now the next paragraph I liked better.

I think the main problem is after 13 lines, nothing happened.

Posted by Crank (Member # 7354) on :

The ‘travel streams’ concept is curious to me, but is there a reason Cliford focuses our attention on the color peculiarity? I’d like to know why that’s worth noting. Otherwise, why is Cliford telling me about it?

Again, your concept is curious to me, but this is a passage about nothing more than a guy who thinks uninteresting random thoughts during his travel time. I’m sure you have interesting stuff waiting for us later in the story; bring some of it into the first 13, or nobody will read that far to find out about the interesting stuff.

Post any rewrite you may choose to make, and I’ll be glad to check it out again.

Posted by btharvey (Member # 9497) on :

In my first post, I posted "more than 13," so a little action was removed. I'll rework the opening to see if I can maintain the flavor while adding considerably more activity! Fluffy may need to appear after the 1st 13!