I'm not really sure what genre this story is. It's mostly about three young people trying to cope with life in a world that has abandoned romance. It's a short story and I've only started it-- maybe written, three, four pages? There are what I think are the opening lines, but I'm not a big fan of linear writing ============================================================= Me and Amanda are taking a trip to Niagara falls. On the way there, or on the way back, I don’t remember-- she is switching channels, faster and faster. The radio goes from one station to the next in a flash. One announcer to another announcer to another commercial to another song. Then she finally settles on one, a classical music station, and I moan and I say, “I don’t want to listen to this.” “But you like classical music,” she says, condescendingly. “Don’t you?” “This channel still sucks,” I say. “Can you choose something else?” She neglects me, smiles, puts the volume a little higher. I roll my eyes and say, “You don’t even like Moonlight Sonata.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 19, 2011).]
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
This flows very nicely and naturally. It feels/sounds very "literary" at least in the sense that word is often used. There is not, as yet, any sense of what you speak of that it's a world that's abandoned romance, at least not if you mean that in a "speculative" sort of sense. There is no hint of the speculative at all, but you did say you don't know what genre it is.
Without more context (which I realize from what you say that you may not have either) all I can really say is that the workmanship of the writing is very nice, possibly enough to keep my attention for a bit even though there is as yet not content I find terribly interesting (that being just my taste.)
Posted by theusernameiwanted (Member # 9607) on :
Thanks for your kind words.
The story does jump a lot, and is written non-linearly. The story's about the abandonment of romance for "lust". The paragraph after next involves a sex scene that's not "sexy" as much as it is "sad". There are scenes of heavy drug use, off-beat remarks and total chivalry. However, i will not write that here, as it is very, very adult. If you'd like to read it, let me know, and I will email the rest of the pages to you.
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
Well since I have yet to get the other two pieces I've requested to read I guess I'm free. You can send me what you have now or wait till you finish and send the whole thing, as you prefer.
Posted by theusernameiwanted (Member # 9607) on :
I will wait till I finish as I don't want to waste your time with unfinished work. Thanks for your interest.
Posted by MAP (Member # 8631) on :
I'm not really hooked, and I don't have any idea of where the story is going. This might work with a novel, but with a short story, I think you got to get to the story faster.
Here are some nits.
quote:Me and Amanda (this should be Amanda and I, but if that is your character's voice, then keep it )are taking a trip to Niagara falls. On the way there, or on the way back, I don’t remember--(This is really wierd because everything is written in present tense, but the italicized part implies that he is thinking back on the trip. If that is true, you should write the story in past tense, if it is not, then I am really confused) she is switching channels, faster and faster. The radio goes from one station to the next in a flash. One announcer to another announcer to another commercial to another song. (This takes a long time to tell me that she is just switching channels on the radio. I'm wondering why you are taking so much time describing something so mundane. Maybe I'm missing something) Then she finally settles on one, a classical music station, and (New paragraph here because you are changing from her actions to his) I moan and I say, “I don’t want to listen to this.” “But you like classical music,” she says, condescendingly(I think you can describe this better then using an adverb. I'm not in the never use adverbs camp, but here I don't think it adds anything. There is a stronger way to convey this). “Don’t you?” “This channel still sucks,” I say. “Can you choose something else?” She neglects me, smiles, puts the volume a little higher. (New paragraph because you are changing the person who is doing the action0 I roll my eyes and say, “You don’t even like Moonlight Sonata.”
The conversation is realistic, but not really interesting. It tells me very little about these two people other than they have different tastes in music. Honestly, I think you need to find a better place to start.
JMO. Good luck!!
[This message has been edited by MAP (edited August 25, 2011).]
)are taking a trip to Niagara falls. On the way there, or on the way back, I don’t remember-- (This is really wierd because everything is written in present tense, but the italicized part implies that he is thinking back on the trip. If that is true, you should write the story in past tense, if it is not, then I am really confused) she is switching channels, faster and faster. The radio goes from one station to the next in a flash. One announcer to another announcer to another commercial to another song. (This takes a long time to tell me that she is just switching channels on the radio. I'm wondering why you are taking so much time describing something so mundane. Maybe I'm missing something) Then she finally settles on one, a classical music station, and (New paragraph here because you are changing from her actions to his) I moan and I say, “I don’t want to listen to this.”