Hello all! I've finally finished the novelette I've been working on for the last two(!) years, Changethings, and I'm looking for critiques of the fragment, the full story, and/or opinions on the title. It's 11,500 words. Here's the first 13:

On her last night in the last of the safehouses, Jessica woke to hear her mother and the man whose name she could not pronounce, arguing quietly in the other room.
“You will have to send them away, or the others will make you leave as well,” he was saying.
“They’re my children, Maalik! You can’t ask me to send my children away!”
“You know this is not my choice. And be quiet, love, you’ll wake them.”
Mother lowered her voice. Shrugging off the sheets, Jessica put her ear to the wall to hear better, careful not to wake her sister.

Synopsis: It's a bit of a subversion of the changeling fantasy children often have, that they're one day going to be told they're really a prince or a princess and go away to live in a fairy castle or some such.

In this story, the better part of a century ago, very incomprehensible aliens conquered the Earth and began remaking it in their own image. Humans are just as incomprehensible to them, but one of the things about us that is familiar to them is the concept of kings and queens, so they started making human-Thing hybrids and installing them into their warped idea of a traditional monarchy. The hybrids are birthed by human surrogate mothers, and one such woman runs away with the hybrids she's borne to try to raise them as humans.

Some people have disliked the title, so given the fragment and synopsis what are your thoughts on that?

[This message has been edited by dysfunction (edited October 10, 2011).]

[This message has been edited by dysfunction (edited October 10, 2011).]
 

On the first thirteen...

On her last night in the last of the safehouses, Cool Jessica woke waking has been done to death, could you maybe have her laying in bed awake listening? Waking seems passive to me, like it was by chance that she heard this conversation. If she's awake listening, the it's by choice.to hear her mother and the man whose name she could not pronounce, really cool arguing quietly in the other room.
“You will have to send them away, or the others will make you leave as well,” he was saying. passive. How about "he said."
“They’re my children, Maalik! not a difficult name to pronounce. You can’t ask me to send my children away!”
“You know this is not my choice. And be quiet, love, you’ll wake them.”To me, this man is coming off as a jerk, and a bully, and the mother seems weak. I'm not really liking either character.
Mother lowered her voice. Shrugging off the sheets, Jessica put her ear to the wall to hear better, careful not to wake her sister

On the synopsis... sounds like a cool story idea to me. I think any story that can haunt you for two years is probably a good one.

Good luck with it.
~Sheena
 

I do think it becomes more obvious that the mother is a pretty strong person, and Maalik not really a jerk, pretty shortly.

You may be right about it being better for Jessica to already be awake.

"he was saying." -isn't passive voice, just the imperfect. Passive would be something like "was being said to him". You may be right about revising it anyway, I'm not sure on that one though.

[This message has been edited by dysfunction (edited October 10, 2011).]
 

the next few lines were ok, but it seemed like i spent a lot of time paying attention to what was italicized.

but very nice first lines.

I am not too fond of the title but have no better suggestion. one thing that came to mind was the cuckoo who has its children raised by others (but i think john wyndham has a book with that title). another was the word strange or half-breed or between. Strange Princesses or Royal Strangers or Royal Aliens or Alien Throne or Strange Throne or Heir to Strangeness

[This message has been edited by OliverBuckram (edited October 10, 2011).]