As the conventions for this part of the forum haven't been laid down into unbreakable law as of yet, I'm just going to wing it. Some small background on the current production stage of the novel may be in order: (skip this if you don't care) This novel is about four years in the making now, with background histories, maps, technologies, mythologies and the like. It will be the first in a trilogy. It is a fluid process and things have changed, and changed again. No title as of yet, and much of what Ive written has been scrapped as not good enough. That's why Im here, to improve my writing. All opinions are welcome in that regard. I have about Twenty pages written so far (a laughable amount, I know) but have written over 100+ pages that have been scrapped. The remaining pages are what I deemed as good enough for a possible manuscript version. Im looking for readers and feedback on any part or all of it. Please just ask and I will email it if your interested. Here is the first 13 to my prologue. As a side note, I know all about OSC's advice on Prologues. I'm choosing a different, but equally viable (if not in vogue at the moment) route.
Thanks in advance for any help...
The red fingers of dawn stretched out to envelop the sky as the crowd gathered around the stone platform at the base of the collecting tower. Dark flowing waves coalesced at the surface of the massive, round globe of the Tialdora vibrating high atop the tower. It seemed to grow from the ground like a polished steel tree, supporting in its branches the smooth glass-like globe that powered the surrounding cities. It had been constructed during the Golden Age when architects still took care to blend their work with nature's, creating beautiful unmatched masterpieces. In stark contrast, patches of wilting grass covered the ground surrounding the tower, and the branches of the few trees left in the area were sparsely covered with yellow and brown leaves. A stench of decay pervaded all.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 27, 2007).]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Thank you for daring to be first, eclectic skeptic.
I have to ask you, though, if you've ever read Homer (THE ILIAD and THE ODYSSEY). Anyone who has will immediately think of his repeated use of variations on "rosy-fingered dawn" when they read your first sentence.
Unless you want to start out with the Grandfather of All Cliches, you may want to rethink that phrase.
(I apologize, though. I don't usually comment on people's 13 lines. I just cut them down to 13.)
Posted by Green_Writer (Member # 3302) on :
First I'd like to tell you not to be distressed with having only 20 pages. I once read that War and Peace was written at least two times.
You have managed to place a very subtle hook in this opening paragraph. There was a golden age, but now its gone. The grass is brown and the world reeks of decay. Now I want to know the "in-between". Well done!
Posted by eclectic skeptic (Member # 3046) on :
Actually Kathleen, I don't mind your critique. I wish you would offer up your wisdom on more occasions. I never did read those... I meant to on several occasions but never got around to it. I know I know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Anyway, I will be sure to change that cliche, and read Homer.
Also, I apologize that my 13 lines are always over large,, I swear it's not my fault. I have a widescreen monitor and I always do it by your directions to the letter. In Fact I usually cut off the last sentence in the reply box to make sure Im not going over. But it seems I still go over.
Anyway, thanks for the input.
Posted by Grijalva (Member # 3295) on :
You speak of this city like it's a wonder to the eyes, and I should be in awe of it, but I can't quite get there. I need to know why I should be in awe of this place, what's the reason behind this place that would make me want to know about it.
Your writing has a sense of poetry in it, but too many adjectives. I feel your image of the city is lost in adjectives, but that may just be me. And yeah that read dawn thing really reminded me of "The Odyssey." Homer starts a lot of his books in "The Odyssey" with that red dawn image.
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited January 27, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited January 27, 2007).]
Posted by Ash (Member # 4615) on :
I would maybe think about introducing a character, having a person show up to bring us to this awesome spectacle. Maybe make this be the second paragraph, with this character leading us in. As much as fantasy and sci-fi lovers always enjoy a good tower and a golden age long past, EVERYONE enjoys people, except maybe hermits, and if you have already scrapped a hundred pages, I should hope you have room enough for the tower a little later on.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
The imagry is nice albeit a bit Homer-ish. I'm working on a short story using one of the characters from the Iliad and I have to second or third the "rosy fingered dawn. . " If it's a connection you want to make, great. If not, you may want to spend less time describing the sunrise.
I did like that you spent most of the lines setting up an idyllic setting to end the 13 with "A stench of decay . . ."
I wasn't bothered by the lack of a character because the tower seemed to be the character. It had a Mileu feel rather than a Character one.
Posted by Ellepepper (Member # 3520) on :
It is a good opening, but I agree, it would make a stronger second paragraph. Maybe the character is seeing it for the first time? After a long absence? Give us some reason to pause a moment and look at it. Cut every second adjective.
Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :
The red fingers description raised a red flag for me.
I find the description confusing because you mention the collecting tower and then describe the globe of the Tiadora then go back to describing the tower. This led me to a lot of pronoun confusion. You always refer to the tower as it, but when I first read the passage, I kept assuming 'it' referred to whatever you last mentioned. Like I thought the globe was 'it', and then the city was 'it'. Only after reading the passage a seond time, did I realize 'it' was always the tower. But maybe I'm just odd that way.
Once I figured out the passage, I was intrigued. The image of the imposing monolith has been used well across genres from 2001 to Tolkein.
I think you could play with the idea of the tower being 'naturally' more beautiful than the nature around it...If that makes sense.
[This message has been edited by Hunter (edited February 20, 2007).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
Although there's no POV yet, I didn't care; I was interested in the thing being described.
However, the description was hard to follow. I don't know what a Tiadora is, and the description didn't tell me. I also don't know its significance. Tell me, and then I can care.
