Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Damsel in Distress

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Posted by tigertinite (Member # 4803) on :

My super hero novel about the powerless sister of a superhero family. Love to have comments about it.

I still wonder how my brother became a hero. Shakespeare once said some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them. My brother would be in the ‘greatness thrust upon him' category. Actually, it resembled something more like a head-on collision.

It all started on a Wednesday. I hate Wednesdays, something about them makes me want to pull the cover over my head and sleep through the alarm. And I would have, if it hadn't been for the screaming mob outside my window. The cries were ear shattering. My ears were intact but the window did shatter, and before I could wake up fully something cold and metallic snatched me out of my warm bed. I heard cackling laughter--high pitched cackling laughter and sighed . . .
Not again.

[This message has been edited by tigertinite (edited February 02, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by tigertinite (edited February 05, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by tigertinite (edited February 13, 2007).]

Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :

My opinion -- lose the first paragraph.

It all started on Wednesday -- is a fine way to open. Keep it interesting after that.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

I liked the first paragraph. The last line was funny. I think knowing that she has a brother that's a hero is important to setting the tone and we need to know that right up front.

I was confused though about something in the second paragraph.
You start with "it all started on a Wednesday. . ." but end with "It could only mean one thing. Not again." Hu? If you are telling me the beginnning, how could she know it was "one thing" and why would she think "not again?"

NIT -

The "something" snatching her from the bed was also confusing or more accurately - jarring. I expected it to be "someone" why would she think "something?" After all, do evil robot monkeys normally wake her up?

Other those small comments, I really liked this. It's a vast improvement over the last draft. I LOVE the voice. If you can keep the quirky wit up, I'd read it just for that.

Posted by priscillabgoo (Member # 4777) on :

I actually agree with Arriki, starting with the second paragraph would be a stronger start. I also disagree with kings_falcon regarding whether or not the reader needs to know that the narrator has a brother that's a hero up front. It's her story and it needs to start with her, not any assumptions the reader might make regarding her helplessness (might assume she always needs to be rescued) or bitterness (she lacks powers of her own).

I agree with the "Not again" thing unless the entire story plays into the typical super hero mythos with an arch nemesis using her as a bargaining chip - very supermanesque. If this is something that happens all to often, is this the first instance or the 100th? How is this instance different?

Instead of "something snatched me out of my warm bed" how about "arms snatched me" or anything that would be more descriptive of what the "something" is.

I also love the sense of humor. It makes your character that much more appealing.

I don't know if this is important, but back in the day I read a lion's share of comic books. I'm up on all the standards (and cliches) but you can't assume all your readers will be.

I hope this is helpful.

[This message has been edited by priscillabgoo (edited February 06, 2007).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

No, you really need that first paragraph if you're going to write in first person.

If you don't have the first paragraph, then the second paragraph is even more confusing than kf found it. You and I know that evil robot monkeys (or whatever) are a regular feature of this girl's life. Her goofus brother turning into a hero is a once in a lifetime event.

Increasing the clarity of the second paragraph might be necessary, since it seems to be somewhat confusing, but I thought it was fine.

Posted by priscillabgoo (Member # 4777) on :

I think I should have been more clear regarding my objection to the first paragraph. It feels too cliched. I'm not sure you want to start off your novel quoting another author, even if it is Shakespeare. Particularly since that quote has a similar feel to the "with great power comes great responsibility" line that they use with Spiderman. Whatever you do, it should introduce your character and direct the focus on her.

That of course is just my opinion.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I think that she subverts the cliche pretty nicely with "it was more like a head-on collision."

Posted by tigertinite (Member # 4803) on :

I added some changes to clarify the meaning of the second paragraph, hope it helps.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I don't like paragraph 1. The "my brother had greatness thrust on him" is obvious because of "I still wonder how he became a hero." The next bit, about the head-on collision, makes me go: huh? What's she talking about? If you keep this paragraph, I'd say replace that last part with a snide comment about bro.

How are Wednesdays different from Tues and THursdays? It's so odd I was distracted by wondering.

The order here takes us out of her POV. The first thing we should get, I think, is that it's Wed morning and she hears a screaming mob. *Then* she gets to think about how she feels about Wednesdays. It wouldn't make sense the other direction, unless the screaming mob arrived after she awoke (in which case you can tell us).

> I heard cackling laughter, high pitched cackling laughter and sighed...

>Not again.

That is hilarious! I'd look forward to finding out just how strange her life really is.

Posted by ColinCohen (Member # 4945) on :

I found this quite enjoyable. I only have a few minor suggestions:

1. You might want to try em-dashes in the following places: "I hate Wednesdays -- something about them makes me want to pull the cover over my head" and "I heard cackling laughter -- high pitched cackling laughter and sighed"

I realize em-dashes/commas are a personal thing -- but it seems to cry out for them here due to the abruptness.

2. The sentence "I would have too if it hadn't been for the screaming mob outside my window." I'd probably change to "And I would have if it hadn't been for the screaming mob outside my window." It didn't seem clear to me.

3. Ellipses really should be written ". . . " At least in American grammar.

I'd definitely read more.