Here is the prolog for a book tenatively titled "Elan". I know we have a member by that name, I created it before coming here, it's the fifth name I've assigned my lead character, and I've grown rather attached. Anyway it is a fantasy novel, I have the outline for about 40 chapters, plus the prolog and epilog. I am almost done with chapter 8 and am at 19,000 words. This prolog basically sets up the world and the backgroud of my key race of people. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
I can’t say where it is or where it was. Whether it was occurring as I saw it or whether this all happened a thousand years ago. Is it in another galaxy, another dimension? Anyone can speculate but regardless this story had to be told. Wherever it was two moons rose over a strange landscape, the white moon moving ahead of the blue. The moons would switch places as spring came closer, although the weather never really changed that much. To the West, dark and ominous stood the black volcanic mountain range of
Posted by ColinCohen (Member # 4945) on :
The end of this seems to be cutoff.
I'd probably remove the sentence "Anyone can speculate but regardless this story had to be told." And the "Whereever it was." I'd start a new paragraph with "Two moons rose . . ."
Is there a reason why you capitalized "West"?
[This message has been edited by ColinCohen (edited February 09, 2007).]
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
>I can’t say where it is or where it was.
What is the narrator talking about? Since we don't know *what*, the question of *where* doesn't even arise.
See FAQs, Helpful discussions, Just tell me and Why the problem with the first 13 isn't that it's too short.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
From what you describe, this might be exactly the kind of wacking dull history lesson that turns readers off. From what is posted, it also looks like this might be a foreword rather than a prologue. Not that there's some kind of definite difference.
Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :
I can't bring to mind the word to describe your opening, so I'll dance around it. The first three lines did nothing for me, except make me feel like I am reading the beginning of many other prologues told from the POV of an omnipotent and ancient individual. I almost stopped reading, but then you started talking about these two moons, and things did not seem so trite. I have read a fair number of opening that begin with a description of the sky and the landscape (usually the sky is dark and stormy while the landscape is barren, rocky, or in some way easy to describe with one or two words). I don't know why, but the setting you established hooked me enough to read a little longer about this world. Seeing as how your goal in this prologue is to establish your world and its people, I would cut any extra sentences that do not accomplish this goal. You will be lucky in the first place to have all your readers read the prologue and even luckier to have them finish it if you do not get straight to the point.
Posted by Spaceman (Member # 9240) on :
I had to stop and parse the sentence more than once because the text is missing commas. You might consider rearranging to give the description before the 'I don't remember' stuff.