Here is the first intro to the main character for my novel Elan. I already posted a prolog that sets up the world.
The desert wind howled across the flat lands of the Jobez desert. Eyes peeking out above his syfu Élan squinted trying to keep out the sand as he looked ahead. He could see nothing beyond the few people in front of him, driving their kíza through the storm; the giant lizards carried all the supplies of the nomads except their water. Élan knew that up ahead his father led the cantí forward towards the next oasis. He was aware that it would still be many days before they reached their destination, but Élan was becoming more excited as each day passed.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
This doesn't seem like a bad opening, but when you say that you've already posted the prologue it indicates that this is not the actual opening text that will be seen by a market.
Posted by Mystic (Member # 2673) on :
Howdy! I feel that what you have here is solid as far as the style and exposition goes. However, I need to see some conflict because I was not very interested in the nomad boy crossing a harsh desert with his group. To me, that is just what nomads do: they travel from place to place and are always eager to get to that new place. So whatever is going to happen to the nomads, that is not a part of their normal routine, needs to be introduced.
Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :
Hi bro-k,
I'd read your prolog and like this better.
I don't know if you need to introduce conflict so quickly into your story as Mystic recommends, but more action would help.
--Hunter
Posted by RMatthewWare (Member # 4831) on :
Okay, everything is flows well, but:
I would say get rid of "Eyes peaking out above his syfu". Just start with "Elan squinted...". It makes it much simpler.
I don't see a hook in this. You might look under the topic here at hatrack "Discussing published hooks and books". You might find a way to hook the reader that works for you.
You mention syfu, kiza, and canti. I don't know what any of those thing are. You tell me that a kiza is a giant lizard. That's fine, but you're putting these strange words in that don't mean anything to me. I assume you'll explain later, but it seems to be a lot to remember up front. Be careful that you're not calling a rabbit a smeerp (http://www.sfwa.org/writing/turkeycity.html). That means, if something looks like a rabbit, acts like a rabbit, tastes like a rabbit, then it's a rabbit. If you need to invent new animals, great, but tell me what they are.
Matt
Posted by bro-k (Member # 4947) on :
I have been avoiding the whole smeerp thing. Kiza are deeply covered in the prolog/foreward, but are pretty clear just in reading. The canti I'll work on, its the name of Elan's people again covered in the prolog, but also made clear early on. I'll probably take care of the whole syfu thing, my wife didn't like that either. Hopefully I'll post a new revision soon.
Thanks everyone Please look at my question in the open discussion area.