I need all the crits I can, I'd like to develop this into a novel. Is the voice too casual?
I remember her smell; a faint trace of lemon juice and talcum residing in my nostrils. I see her climbing from my memory but without a face. I feel a tingling in my palms as if I were an amputee. It’s from the absence of her tiny hands pressed against mine. Here I am. I’m staring at a canary-yellow ceiling in an uptown apartment building calculating my losses, counting the time between each breath.
Maybe I am an amputee. Oh yes, I’m sure of it now. That slowly fading afternoon in the park, I thought they took her; but really, they took a part of me instead. They took the part that leaves you hollow without it.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
I had to read it a few times before I could figure out what happened. I wouldn't do that if I were reading for fun.
The voice does seem to be detached from the situation.
I think you'd do better with a sentence plainly stating what happened.
Posted by Slartibartfast (Member # 4673) on :
Subtlety is fine, as long as the facts are really there for a discerning reader to find. It's probably best to err on the side of caution, but I wouldn't go so far to the blunt end as wbriggs suggests. (I think, no offense intended, he is coming from the viewpoint of a more casual reader.)
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It doesn't quite seem like the narrator cares enough to actually narrate this.