Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Judgment: First 13

This is topic Judgment: First 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by ZellieBerraine (Member # 5492) on :

As requested. In the manuscript, the part in the quotes is italicized.

"Starlyt, star bright
first star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
manage to survive this night"

Madison, Amy.
Age 12.
Grade 7.
Female.
Brunette.
Eyes, hazel.
Normal.
Kind.
Abnormal.
This is not one of GAMA’s files.
This is life.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Again, a bluntness warning.

I'm not sure what you have. What is supposed to be happening. I am pretty sure that I'm not hooked.

The possible hooks "I wish I may I wish I might manage to survive this night," "Abnormal," and "GAMA" get lost in a very dry journal-type entry.

Start where the story does. Give me a character, not a character outline.

If someone is reading Amy's chart, show me that. If Amy is singing "twinkle twinkle little star" or your version of that, show me it. Right now there is nothing for me to sink my teeth and interest into.

Posted by ZellieBerraine (Member # 5492) on :

The journal-type entry moves into a paragraph that sets the scene--which I don't think is any more interesting heh. But most of the books I've read start that way--build the house before you can live in it.

It was a bright spring day with that perfect weather—a gentle wind, a light kiss of warmth from a mosaic of sunshine peeking through a spotty green canopy. Typical Jersey Spring. Not wanting to put the sunshine to waste, Amy Madison sent up a cheer through her neighborhood to announce that her backyard would be open for volleyball to all who had the courage to put their skills to the test against her team. Naturally, Amy could claim her best friend Jessica and whoever made it to her backyard first. It was here, in an otherwise pleasant backyard divided by a makeshift net and overpopulated with rowdy children that Amy's body began to fall apart.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

quote:
It was a bright spring day with that perfect weather

This reminds me of "It was a dark and stormy night..."

Don't worry so much about setting an scene that's just "normal". Only tell us stuff that shows why this girl and her story are important enough to read.

quote:
Amy Madison sent up a cheer through her neighborhood

Not sure how a cheer anounces at the same time. Plus it makes it sound like she's jsut kind of pom-pomming in her back yard all by herself, and then all the kids hear this as a sign to come and play.

I'd say, I'm not sure why I need to know this stuff. It's missing a hook. I need action or character attachment to want to keep reading.

And "body falling apart" is kind of vague, but I figure you're going to explain that next.

Posted by ZellieBerraine (Member # 5492) on :

The idea was to be a play on the usual superhero 'everything is perfect and then DUNDUNDUN everything changes.'

Heh, it's amazing... I used to have this problem of always being inside the character's head and totally forgetting to give physical details like location. Even in my last round of editing, I was keeping an eye on that... now it sounds like I'm on the other side of it XD