Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 "Winter of Humanity"

This is topic First 13 "Winter of Humanity" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Hookt_Un_Fonix (Member # 4783) on :

I wanted to put the revised first 13 on here to yet again see what my fellow Hatrackers have to offer. Now this work is off to be published but the final print is not done. So I want to get a bit more input before it hits the presses.

The novel is based on a future history of this world we live in. The story is told by a man that lived it and feels his side of the story should be told. It starts in a post fuel war world, that has elapsed into a kind of mad max chaos. The first chapter is the MC telling the reader why he feels his story must be told, and you will get his motivation there. In essence, coining a phrase from OSC, he is going to be his own speaker of the dead. He is not dead by any means but he is trying sum up his life and try to find purpose in what he accomplished.

Picture a world torn from war, and a young boy learning and growing in a hostile world. When the novel starts it is all about survival, as it progress's it is about something more then the self. It is about leaving the world a better place for your children. Its about how a few people can spread an idea, and an Empire. So without further ado you read the first 13 and have fun with them.

She is the mother of our world. He is the broken father. She is the one who found him and brought him back to us. That will be her place in history. She brought him back to himself and showed him the way. It was through her efforts that his broken mind was healed and guilt was replaced with hope. Together, the mother of the world and the broken father led us through the darkness, together they ended the second Dark Age.
No one knows what higher purpose called to them. All we know is that they spoke to us in simple words about great things, that they spoke to us of what we could become. They also showed us how to bring this land together, the clear path that is not, nor will it ever be, an easy path to follow.

Posted by Hookt_Un_Fonix (Member # 4783) on :

She is the mother of our world. He is the broken father. She is the one who found him and brought him back to us. That will be her place in history. She brought him back to himself and showed him the way. It was through her efforts that his broken mind was healed and guilt was replaced with hope. Together, the mother of the world and the broken father led us through the darkness, together they ended the second Dark Age.

No one knows what higher purpose called to them. All we know is that they spoke to us in simple words about great things, that they spoke to us of what we could become. They also showed us how to bring this land together, the clear path that is not, nor will it ever be, an easy path to follow.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

This is all rather "distancing" - it is hard to get into a story when it is told in this manner. I think it owuld be much more effective and convincing if we were plunged right into scenes where we learned about this world, the MC and other people in it, engaged in dialogue and conflicts. It would bring us right into the story in a "closer" and more convincing way.

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

I liked it. It had a nice feel to it, a sort of mythical tone. I would read on, but I am a big fan of post-apocolyptic works. BTW, if I understand your post correctly, Congrats on this being published. I've yet to know that thrill.

Posted by Hookt_Un_Fonix (Member # 4783) on :

well when I get an ISBN and a release date I will be happy to let you know about it. Selling one book is still selling a book after all.

Posted by Adam Pettry (Member # 5705) on :

"She is the mother of our world. He is the broken father. She is the one who found him and brought him back to us. That will be her place in history. She brought him back to himself and showed him the way. It was through her efforts that his broken mind was healed and guilt was replaced with hope. Together, the mother of the world and the broken father led us through the darkness, together they ended the second Dark Age.
No one knows what higher purpose called to them. All we know is that they spoke to us in simple words about great things, that they spoke to us of what we could become. They also showed us how to bring this land together, the clear path that is not, nor will it ever be, an easy path to follow."

So far, I like it, and it is interesting. However, unless you specifically like books that start like this, it can be difficult to get into.

My humble words of advice:

Mother and Father are titles of a sort. Unless there are distinct linguistic reasons within the world you are writing about, they should probably be capitalized.

Names would be useful if they have them [the repetitive use of she/he can get quite confusing to someone that reads quickly because the words look so similiar].

This sentance bothers me... "No one knows what higher purpose called to them." I think that it would read more smoothly if you cut the word "to." The word "to" makes the reader stumble ever so slightly I think.

Also, the last sentance you posted seemed ever so slightly unclear. "They also showed us how to bring this land together, the clear path that is not, nor will it ever be, an easy path to follow." I understand what you mean, but possibly punctuation [like a semicolon after the word "together"] would make it easier to understand. I might consider restructuring the sentance altogether. However, this may just be how I am reading the sentance, and I could accidentally be putting emphasis in the wrong places.

Otherwise, I think it is quite good. Congrats on publication!

Posted by Hookt_Un_Fonix (Member # 4783) on :

Ok I am taking into account these changes. The suggestions are all wonderful as usual. I will revise a bit and then repost here, to see what you all think. It turns out I am going to have more time to "polish" my work any how. I decided to turn down the first offer to publish, since the good people on Hatrack did not have a single nice thing to say about one of the first offers.