Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Trials of Ash

This is topic Trials of Ash - 2nd 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000170

Posted by jc.black (Member # 5904) on :

My previous post was the novel's Prologue, this is chapter one.

Far out in the middle of the California desert, a huge scientific research facility quietly baked under the morning sun.

Inside, the terminal monitors all displayed the same message. Evacuation Procedures Initiated: Conditions within this facility have deteriorated beyond conventional controls. It is recommended that all capable personnel exit the facility immediately. - Project Director Andrew Fox, Phd.

The word EVACUATE flashed in bright red letters across the top of the memoranda. Blood-stained documents, clothing, and broken glass littered the tile floor of the smoke and haze-filled halls. Nothing moved but the low flames of untended fires, pacing themselves in their consumption of scattered office debris.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

What kind of facility is this? Giving this is going to have a great deal to do with our interest - is it a high level center dealing with bacteria and viral warfare research? Is it nuclear? Is it chemical?

"It is recommended that all capable..." Ok, can you really imagine an emergency scenario in which it is "recommended" those involved take action? This is WAY too tame. Sirens going off with flashing lights reading "Code Red" or something similar better portrays the situation.

"...pacing themselves in their consumption..." Flames don't pace themselves - they only consume. Amp it up, even if the flames could pace themselves this gives the impression of something not very urgent.

Who is seeing all this anyway?

",,,middle of the California desert..." Give us some detail,
Mojave?

"...beyond conventional controls..." As opposed to what kind of controls?

"...quietly baked..." This sounds like a food item. If you tell us this is a desert location, we already know it is sweltering.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 29, 2007).]

Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :

quote:
Far out in the middle of the California desert, a huge scientific research facility[Why not give it a name?] quietly baked under the morning sun.
Inside, [all]the terminal monitors [delete = all] displayed the same message. Evacuation Procedures Initiated: Conditions within this facility have deteriorated beyond conventional controls. It is recommended that all capable personnel exit the facility immediately. [not sure you need this signiture, but if its automatically added with each message then you could keep it]- Project Director Andrew Fox, Phd.
[delete = The word] EVACUATE flashed in bright red letters across the top of the memoranda. Blood-stained documents, clothing, and broken glass littered the tile floor of the [suggest use only one = smoke and haze-filled] halls. Nothing moved but the low flames of untended fires, pacing themselves in their consumption of scattered office debris.

This is ok, but it would be more active, and urgent, if we had a POV character to be involved in this.

Jim read the meassge; his heart pounded and he began to sweat. What could have gone wrong?

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by darklight (edited July 30, 2007).]

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

There's a huge Mack Truck sized hole here that nitewriter stumbled into, and it's a showstopper for me.

Why aren't you telling me what the problem in the plant is?

Your POV is third-person omni, so the narrator should know what is going on. Hiding it from us, the readers, is dirty pool. There is no sense in hiding the issue from us, except to try and generate fake tension. If a POV character stumbles across an abandoned lab in the middle of a desert and can not identify it, but notices that there are warning signs and klaxons and flashing red lights, that is tension, because the character doesn't know what the emergency is. In third-person omni, you (the narrator) know what the problem is and just aren't telling me. Don't do this. Please don't do this.

nitewriter and darklight have grabbed most of the other issues - pacing, some word choice, etc. Clean this up and you might have something, though. Stick a character in this scene and it'll be even better. An opening like this really only works in movies.

Jayson Merryfield

[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited July 30, 2007).]

Posted by jc.black (Member # 5904) on :

Correct, correct. Thanks, Wolfe Boy and everyone. It's no problem to give this event a witness, a POV. Someone to tell the story through, not just dull facts, stacked for no one to see but the reader, whether their fate is sealed or not. I believe you're right, personalizing the event is the almost the equivalent of putting it in the active voice, only on a much larger scale. This is a good writing rule, one that I think will come in handy as I make my latest pass on this story.

You know, I was a little leery of this 13-line concept, but it's much more pure than say a chapter at a time. I don't know if any of you are chess players, but my game improved immeasurably when I watched the game played at speed. This is like that, I'm absorbing so much in this exercise; I'll be able to look at old chapters with an entirely new or refined criteria; sharper, more precise tools, achieving a finer polish. And I'm learning as much reading other critiques as reading mine. Thanks again.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

You're welcome, jc.black.

I love it when someone "gets" the 13-line concept and thereby gains from it.