Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Dyssomnia

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Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

Modern fantasy that clocks in at 100k. If anyone wants to read the first chapter, or even the whole thing, I'd be delighted to send it on.

Dyssomnia
Chapter One

My name is Jeremy Ivens and I don’t sleep. Ever. I haven’t had a moment of shut-eye for three years now, being the victim of what is known as total insomnia.

Some people keep a journal of their dreams. They do this to try and understand them, though I think that’s all crap. Dreams aren’t meant to make sense, at least not the kind we expect the world to fall into. There are no huge changes in our head when the shades are drawn. The same party, just a little wilder.

This is my journal of wakefulness, inspired by Dr. Landry, the old goat who insisted that I record what’s happened to me, scars, psychosis and all.

It started at four o’clock in the afternoon on a seemingly normal Saturday. Just before my life took a whirl on the merry-go-round of sanity.

Posted by Hookt_Un_Fonix (Member # 4783) on :

Other then the medical issues that are involved with severe insomnia I like it. I am not sure what the circumstances are that have allowed him to live for three years with no sleep, but I have to admit I am curious. If I did not hear a viable reason for that and soon I owudl most likely put the story down. It hooked me enough to read on though.

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

quote:
My name is Jeremy Ivens and I don’t sleep. Ever. <-- I don't think "Ever" is needed. I think the reader gets it. I haven’t had a moment of shut-eye for three years now, being the victim of what is known as total insomnia.

My impression is that a person can't live that long without sleep. I'm also under the impression that by this point, if alive, the person would be a mental vegetable.

quote:
Some people keep a journal of their dreams. They do this to try and understand them, though I think that’s all crap. Dreams aren’t meant to make sense, at least not the kind we expect the world to fall into. There are no huge changes in our head when the shades are drawn. The same party, just a little wilder.

The last sentence is good for character voice. I felt a little alienated by what came before. Perhaps if the narrator said it in a more interesting way I might be more into it.

quote:
This is my journal of wakefulness, inspired by Dr. Landry, the old goat who insisted that I record what’s happened to me, scars, psychosis and all.

Scars hooks me a little. Psychosis, I was expected. When something is listed in three, the last one is important. I think its weaker for having all as the third one. So if you said, "Psychosis, ________ and scars" it might have more impact.

quote:
It started at four o’clock in the afternoon on a seemingly normal Saturday. Just before my life took a whirl on the merry-go-round of sanity

This hooks me more. It started at a precise time, and not during the night. The last sentence doesn't work for me, which means that overall I'm not liking the narrators voice. He uses a lot of expressions that are commonly used. I'm looking for what sets him apart as a character.

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

I pretty much agree with what the others have said. I liked it, I am curious to read on, but I'm thinking "three years without sleep?!"
Also, I am going to take issue with someone else's comment. I think you should keep "Ever." in. I liked it, it gave me a sense of voice.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Like others, I wonder about this as sleep deprivation for even a relatively short period of time results in psychosis - we need an explanation of how this is possible, and as soon as possible to make this credible. How is it that someone that would be sinking deeper and deeper into psychosis is going to be doing something rational such as keeping a journal?

"Just before my life took a whirl on the merry-go-round of sanity." Here I think better and more to the point would be replacing "sanity" with "insanity."

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 31, 2007).]

Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

Thanks for the feedback so far. I'm glad the beginning at least draws people's attention. The beginning used to have a lot of backstory that dragged it out, so I wanted to give Jeremy's condition before plunging into the story itself. To clear up any confusion, Jeremy is a medical anomaly who no longer has a sleep cycle, but does not suffer any obvious side affects from this. (Yes, there was a triggering event for this, which is part of the backstory.) In fact, he rather enjoys not having to sleep. I probably need to add something to that effect in the opening lines. And I'm actually going to take out that bit about psychosis, I think, as it seems to muddle things. The scars stay, however.

Again, thanks for the critiques. If anyone wants a glance at the whole first chapter, let me know.

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

I have known someone with that condition. She was an older lady and lived next door to us for a while. She never slept and didn't develop any severe complications. She didn't have what I called a good live, either. She thought and moved slowly all the time. She drove a car, but never over 20 mph.

I don't know whether she developed the condition slowly or after some event. I can see that event as a necessary part of your backstory, especially if that event also produced other scars.

I'll offer to take a look at your first chapter.

Posted by CassandraRose526 (Member # 5712) on :

My name is Jeremy Ivens and I don’t sleep. Ever.<-I like this; it gives the character voice.] I haven’t had a moment of shut-eye [I don't like the use of 'shut-eye' here.] for three years now, being the victim of what is known as total insomnia. This first paragraph hooks me; it also makes me wonder if this is possible in real life, or if since this is a fantasy, if he perhaps not quite human.

Some people keep a journal of their dreams. They do this to try and understand them, though<-Remove and add a ';'] I think that’s all crap.<-Perhaps use something other than 'crap'] Dreams aren’t meant to make sense, at least not the kind we expect the world to fall into. There are no huge changes in our head when the shades are drawn. The same party, just a little wilder.

This is my journal of wakefulness, inspired by Dr. Landry, the old goat who insisted that I record what’s happened to me,perhaps have a colon here, instead] scars, psychosis and all.

It started at four o’clock in the afternoon on a seemingly normal Saturday. Just before my life took a whirl on the merry-go-round of sanity.[The 'whirl on the merry-go-round' seemed a bit cliche, but you're able to get away with it because of the use of 'sanity' as opposed to insanity.]

I like this story so far. The M.C. seems to have a sardonic sense of humor, which, in my opinion, would keep me reading a book, even if the plot wasn't necessarily the greatest. I would be willing to look at the first chapter, if you need any more insight.

Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

Thanks for the feedback, Cassandra. I'll send the chapter your way.

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

I really like the voice. But I have to say that as a reader I'm instantly put off because my first thought is "he would be dead," and that's something, I think, most people would realize.

[This message has been edited by Zero (edited August 02, 2007).]

Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

Not that I expect this to explain anything away, but this article is one of the original seedlings of inspiration for this story.

http://www.thanhniennews.com/features/?catid=10&newsid=12673

Second, it is a fantasy story, and people should realize that going in, so they would assume there is some odd reason for his condition that may not bend to common sense.

I'm glad you liked the voice, though. Thanks for the comments.

[This message has been edited by Jidin (edited August 02, 2007).]

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

You make a good point and for some reason I had assumed this was contemporary fiction, you are correct, if this is fantasy the I'd let it fly no problem.

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

quote:
Second, it is a fantasy story, and people should realize that going in, so they would assume there is some odd reason for his condition that may not bend to common sense.

I realize that feedback like this can be frustrating, but it's the author's responsiblity to make things clear, not the reader's to assume what the author thinks we should be assuming. Since many people mentioned "wouldn't he be dead?" as a believability problem despite the normal "suspension of disbelief" process, it might be smart to ask them: "This is a fantasy story, so why are you still having a hang-up with this?"

I suspect if you told us that no one slept, we wouldn't have this problem. It's obviously not-like-this-world. However, the setting seems to be very normal--except for your MC. Thus, we expect things to work like normal...and very few people have heard of those few who have lived with total insomnia. Your challenge is to make this seem normal as well.

If you even changed the first paragraph to something like:

quote:
My name is Jeremy Ivens and I don’t sleep. Ever. I haven’t had a moment of shut-eye for three years now, being one of the rare victim's of what is known as total insomnia.

then I think people would be willing to set aside disbelief.

[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited August 03, 2007).]

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

This sounds like a young guy talking, which is excellent: voice is everything in a beginning like this. He sounds plausible. And the format tells me he's going to say how he deals with it. After all, that's the first thing he's talking about, right?

It's clear that the whole premise will be explained--that's the point of fantasy stories, often, they explode an expectation and take on the how and the surrounding complications.

I'm willing to read more of this, if you need a reader for the first few chapters. (I think my e-mail won't display: I'll e-mail you if you say to.)

Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

ArachneWeave, thanks for the offer. I'd be happy to send the first 2-3 chapters if you want. The email for you isn't showing up, as you guessed, but mine should be available, so wing me a message and I'll reply as soon as I can with some story.

DebbieKW: A potential point, and something I shall have to mull over. Thanks for the input.