I'm curious to know what you think of this as a beginning. Is it too typical kid-under-attack fare? Do you connect with the character at all?
This is the start of the fourth volume of a story (I posted the first 13 of the initial one) I'm working on. This one departs from the other four parts in that its hero is a boy not a young man or woman, there is no lovestory subplot, and he's in school. Do you think it will still keep interest? Assuming someone's read the last three parts about this people. The magic in the novel is going to be the least apparent in this part. Most of the stories have it as a periodic outburst. The third had it as a ritualized discipline, but intervening generations (and even events of that story) have changed the attitude towards magic so it's hardly recognized.
Also, it's set in a societal condition like the Cultural Revolution of China, just on the tipping point toward that, actually. Do you see that set-up working already, or not?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited August 04, 2007).]
What is the current status of the first book in the series? Have you sold it? Submitted it?
I will be submitting a manuscript for the first time maybe this fall, and it will not be this one I'm querying for. I have a superheroes novel much closer to publishing caliber than anything else I have done.
Do you think working on establishing the speakers more would help, or do I need to move to a different starting place?
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited August 03, 2007).]
I think much of the confusion results from - "Jaro is that a substandard?" Tell us just what it is that is substandard. As it is we are left guessing or wondering and this is distracting to the reader. You're only giving us part of the information in this 13 - we need all of it to connect with it and know what is going on.
What sort of thing has been made substandard? What are the standards? What is regulation size? What is the importance of brains in what sort of manufactured thing?
What is the relationship between Shaim and Jaro - who's older or larger or in a leadership position? Why or how are they rejects?
These questions weighed on me as I read and kept me from connecting with the characters.
You ask about a kid under attack, but there's very little here that makes me think of a kid at all - "adult words" and the juvenile shove. This 4th volume must depend strongly on precedence from the other three to provide pre-established characters, settings, premise and the like.
Some confusion could be eliminated if the first mockery included what is substandard: "Jaro! Is that a substandard <soldier>?"
or whatever the kids are.
It could be tightened by making yesterday's retort today's; otherwise, the kid seems weakish or slow. If you want him shoved, you could add a second insult, that he impatiently ignores.
This seemed a little awkward. "Jaro felt that strength and shoved him." I agree with the others that the reference to "adult words" was confusing.
I've posted some initial changes, but I'll be considering deeper ones as well. Any further comments are welcome, but I think I've got it. [All doubts of excellence: confirmed]
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited August 04, 2007).]
Ideas are just seeds.