Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Revised 13 lines

This is topic Revised 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Pisatel (Member # 6207) on :

Here are the revised 13 lines of my science fiction novel. I am looking for feedback on these 13 lines.

Fred White looked up at the sky. Clouds floated past without dispensing precious rain. Trevor, the agronomist, had said it would still be a few years before the weather settled down to something like Earth normal. The thick atmosphere of the planet Phlox had proven very resistant to the exploration probe’s terraforming efforts.
His radio beeped. The voice of his eight year old son, Bob, brought him out of his reverie.
“Dad, you better get back here. The satellites are talking about a Ship Proximity Alert, and our ship isn’t due back for a long time!”
A smile crept across his face. Bob, was still very excitable. He was a true Phloxian, born and raised here. Fred still

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 29, 2007).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

It seems you trying to please everyone, and stumbling in the process. Don't rush to make us happy. Jayson (Wolfe_boy) was right: Finish your story first. As someone once pointed out, you are never going to succeed in making everyone happy. Aim for yourself first. Ultimately, the story is for you.

That said. My take:

quote:

Fred White looked up at the sky. Clouds floated past without dispensing precious rain. Trevor, the agronomist, had said it would still be a few years before the weather settled down to something like Earth normal. The thick atmosphere of the planet Phlox had proven very resistant to [the exploration probe’s<--see what you think of this without these three words.] terraforming efforts.
[His radio beeped.<--This seems unnecessary. You could add it into the next line:] The voice of his eight year old son, Bob, [crackled from his radio's speaker, instead of:]brought him out of his reverie.
“Dad, you better get back here. [The satellites are talking<--[Are they really capable of talking (as in mechanical voice)? If so, ignore this, if not, you might want to say "The satellites are picking up a ship, and ours shouldn't be back yet." or something.] about a [Ship Proximity Alert<--Now, this sounds like the boy is on a ship.], and our ship isn’t due back for a long time!”
A smile crept across his face. Bob,[If you don't tag this with a thought Fred, or something, it reads like the boy's smiling -- and that violates PoV.] was still very excitable. [He was a true Phloxian, born and raised here.<--Fred knows this, why would he be thinking it?-->Fred still considered himself an Arizonan, but he had left that planet [more or less permanently<--Eh? More-or-Less OR Permanently, which is it?] to seek opportunity here.]

1) How important is the "probe"? Is it vital to the story, like the drones in L. Ron Hubbard's Battlefield Earth, or a minor point like the terraforming station in Serenity?

2) We usually post any revisions in the same post as the original. Edit the original post to add a note that a revision is below.

3) Come back to this with fresh eyes, and you will see a lot more of what is being shown you.

Truly, you've got to finish this before worrying about our impressions. You know what IS going to happen; we don't. Every bit of knowledge we have is from this, and we're going to extend our thinking with supposition (which is often wrong).

I truly hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited August 29, 2007).]