Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Human's Race.

This is topic The Human's Race. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by TheHumble1 (Member # 6862) on :

A short story. 14,000 words.

Bury me up top the hill on the east side of the fuel station, that way, I can keep on eye on you. It’s all yours you two. Kyle, you take care of your mother.

A loving father and Husband,
Mike P. Taylor

P.S. Tell that dirty, dangy, dog, Darrell that I didn’t forget about those ten bucks he owes me.

That was his final will. Yeah, my father was never a man of words, but whenever he spoke, those short sentences had been filled with enough wisdom to make Confuscious jealous, and to me, worth more than gold. He always did have more common sense than social sense. I loved the man. So much, I was willing to hike three miles up a steep hill, carrying his casket, trying
THat's about it. Tell me what you think.

[This message has been edited by TheHumble1 (edited November 11, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 11, 2007).]

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I like the writing. I would read on because of that, but I have no sense of where the story is going.
Where is the conflict? His father has died -- but the guy isn't too cut up about it -- besides, he has buried him, so end of story. In fact, it kind of felt that way -- like a piece of micro-fiction. It's got a beginning, middle and end. I feel like you have completed your contract with me -- but I shouldn't. There is nothing outstanding I feel I need to know.
No hook -- apart from it's nicely written with a good voice.

>So much, I was willing to hike three miles up a steep hill, carrying his casket, trying my best not to stumble over rocks and small crevices while a cold autumn drizzle fell from the heavens, making the grass slick.

Too many commas. You could break this sentence up a bit.

Posted by MartinV (Member # 5512) on :

I find it very good. The word flow is eloquent and you are creative using your words. The one thing that confuses me is the use of the word 'casket'. I believe that is the same as coffin, is it not? For a single man to carry a full casket which can weigh to 100 kilos that's remarkable - unless that's precisely your point.

... I was willing to hike...
That sounds to me as he is already walking it so maybe an urn would be better. Use 'would be' instead of 'was' and that becomes an act in theory, meaning he loved his father so much he was ready to do even the impossible.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

How many people are going to be involved in carrying the casket? It's perfectly possible if there are a number; at my brother-in-law's funeral, the mourners refused to let the body be taken in a van, and insisted on carrying it three miles to the cemetary, in shifts.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

(Btw, there's a separate forum for short story fragments--technically this is the novel fragments section).

The voice of the character is clear and so far the prose is good. I'm not so hooked by the situation, though. i'm glad he likes his father and all, but that in itself, and the father's purported pithy parlance (sorry) is not enough to keep me interested.

Part of what would prevent me from reading are the assumptions I've already made about the piece: It feels like a character piece, about a man dealing with his father's death. I'm anticipating at some point he's going to uncover a mystery about his father that he has to solve.

Obviously, i have no idea what your actual story line is. But I told you what I was expecting so you'd have an idea of what sort of story I think you're setting up in these lines, and why it doesn't interest me. My suggestion is if you threw in something that broke this expectation, or to suggest more of the uniqueness of your story, you might have a better hook. To catch me, anyway.

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

quote:
...trying my best not to stumble over rocks and small crevices...

I guess I'm the only one, but I'm having trouble figuring out what a small crevice is in the sense of something one stumbles over rather than is tripped by or falls into.

I don't have a clue what the rest of the story is about, but your writing is good, and I'd probably read on a bit more just to find out.

Posted by palmon (Member # 6240) on :

I really liked Dad's will. It was enough to hook me and I would definitely read on.

Posted by mitchellworks (Member # 6779) on :

I enjoyed your writing style and specific imagery.

I did wonder, if the angels were so saddened by the passing of this good man, why he is so petty as to put a ten-dollar debt in his will. Unless he's living in a time where ten dollars is a lot of money, and if so, I'd want to see a few other period clues.

Oh, and I'm unsure, from the opening, whether the story is going to be about the son, or about the father in some version of a flashback.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

I'm moving this topic to the Fragments and Feedback for Short Stories, so while it appears to be closed here, it is open in that part of the Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

Please go there for further discussion.