Chaya Mazar is an inmate in Baranwal International Penitentiary, a concentration camp deep in the jungles of Brazil where the United Earth Parliament incarcerates the half-people of the world, the people with physical or mental handicaps. In the violent world of Baranwal International Penitentiary, Chaya falls in love with another inmate and secretly marries him. When she discovers she is pregnant, she finds herself in an impossible situation: if the whole people find out, they will execute her, her husband, and their unborn child for the crime of daring to create happiness in their carefully constructed hell.

Roland Cruz is a young man in the Free Eastern Democratic Republic, one of the few remaining pockets of resistance to the worldwide oppression of the United Earth Parliament. Roland discovers in himself a miraculous ability: he can heal people of any and all ailments. Eager to serve humanity with his gift, he heals all who come to him. He restores lost limbs, cures blindness, and makes half-people whole. When his gift fails him in a moment of crisis, though, he discovers that humanity does not easily forgive a failed messiah.

When the United Earth Parliament troops invade Roland’s home village, Roland is awarded half-man status by a grenade blast. The conquering force ships Roland off to Baranwal International Penitentiary to live out the rest of his days with the other half-people. Disillusioned with humanity, Roland vows never to heal again. When Chaya learns of Roland’s miraculous gift, he becomes her last desperate hope to get out of Baranwal and give birth to her baby. Before he will save her, though, she has to heal his bitterness against humanity.

 

The one big problem I see is the multitude of long names of government entities here. I don't think they're all necessary. You've got "Baranwal International Penitentiary" in there three times (and an additional "Baranwal"). Any way to shorten or abbreviate that after the first mention?

Same for "United Earth Parliament." And I'd suggest removing the phrase "the Free Eastern Democratic Republic," (the comma too) as it's also a mouthful and its name is less important than the fact that it's a resistance entity.

So does his gift fail him before or after the grenade blast?
 

If you don't have an explanation for the gift, consider assigning a cost to using the gift (aside from the political punishment), which will make it more interesting.
 

Good work. Synopses are usually the hardest part. Have you also written a 25-word premise? I find these invaluable to include in the cover letter itself, so that the synopsis can be included on a separate sheet. Basically, you'd need to strip the whole story down to its elements, so that X (hero) must overcome Y (complication/character development) to fulfil goal Z (quest). It's a wonderful exercise in restraint and really clarifies the whole story to a prospective editor.

Cheers
 

In the world of Pariah Complex, an oppressive world government has divided humanity into two types of people: the half-people, or people with physical and mental handicaps, and the whole people. The whole people are privileged while the half-people are locked away in a giant work prison deep in the jungles of Brazil. Chaya Mazar, a half-girl, is a new inmate in this prison. In her violent new world, Chaya falls in love with another half-person and secretly marries him. When she discovers she is pregnant, she finds herself in an impossible situation: if the whole people find out, they will execute her, her husband, and their unborn child for the crime of daring to create happiness in their carefully constructed hell.

Roland Cruz is a young man with a miraculous ability: he can heal people of any and all ailments. When his gift fails him in a moment of crisis, he discovers that humanity is not eager to forgive a failed messiah. Disillusioned with humanity, Roland vows never to heal again. When Roland is awarded half-man status by government troops invading his village, he is shipped off to live out the rest of his days with the other half-people in prison. When Chaya learns of Roland’s miraculous gift, she places her last desperate hope in him. Roland becomes Chaya’s only chance to become whole again so she can get out of the half-people prison and save her unborn baby. Before Roland will save Chaya, though, she must heal his bitterness against humanity.

I haven't worked up a 25 word summary. Do you find that really useful? I'm just putting the 2 paragraph summary into the body of the query letter.

[This message has been edited by wetwilly (edited January 06, 2008).]
 

Just a couple of nits:
- I'm not sure "awarded" is the word you want to use when Roland is assigned half-person status. Not much of an award.
- And two sentences in a row in the second paragraph beginning with "When x does y, etc.."
 

Just one question. Are we speaking of a literal Hell (as in the place) or figurative?