Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Siamir

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Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

This is the first 13 (I hope) of the first chapter of a novel. The asterisks aren't mine; the program removed the 'F' word. It's the only time it's used, but I didn't feel it was inappropriate here, where the guy's had what must be pretty much the ultimate shock. It's fantasy, about 100 000 words, and nearing completion. At least, I hope it is, since after three years I've had about enpough of it, and want to move on before too much longer!

A moment before it had been a hot June evening. The three of them had been walking slowly, allowing for Paul’s hobbling pace, towards the pub. They’d been laughing about a particularly pompous ass of a teacher back when they had been pupils together. Now, the air was chilly, the sun sinking towards the mountains. Alex sprawled in the long heather of a rocky slope, the sky clear deep blue above, marked by an odd puff of wispy cloud.
He sat up, his heart sick. This was an abrupt end to his plans, but not totally unexpected; the Stones had been tugging at him for days. He’d half feared that they were about to turn on him. Now the stark reality. Stone draws to stone; the pull had become too hard, somehow – and who ever understood the Stones?

[This message has been edited by RobertB (edited May 12, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 12, 2008).]

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

"Stone draws to stone; the pull had become too hard, somehow – and who ever understood the Stones?" I like this line, it's a hook. The idea of magical stones that pull you through space, time or both is interesting.

The first para is a puzzle to me. It seems that one minute they (they who?) are walking in sunshine, next minute somewhere else, and cooler. But we seem to skip the actual transition event, so I had to re-read it a couple of times to figure out when hot June switched to chilly evening. I wondered about Alex sprawling and realised after some thought he must have been one of the walkers with Paul, and something happened to make him sprawl. He's probably the one talking about the stones, I decided.

I'd suggest getting in closer with--Alex, it's his POV, right?--and describing what he experiences in chronological order--how the transition feels, what he sees. Something like, "They had been walking slowly, then froze as pulling pain wracked their bodies--and Alex found himself sprawled in heather. He picked himself up, shivered in the sudden cold and registered the sun was now lower in the clear blue sky than it had been." Not good, but I hope you see what I mean.

Also, I suspect that not introducing Alex's name early is unhelpful. I don't know the other person's name, but perhaps "Alex and Bob had been walking slowly to allow for Paul's hobble ..."

Hope this helps,
Pat

Posted by Doctor (Member # 7736) on :

There is some good writing in there, but my stumbling block is the lack of pov, or rather, the fact that I'm not sure whose eyes I'm looking through. I like the "pompous ass" line, that's good. But at the end I'm totally lost by all the talk of "stones."

[This message has been edited by Doctor (edited May 12, 2008).]

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

A few lines have been cut out, but never mind. You're right about the transition from one world to the other, but I don't think I can do much explaining about the Stones without the sort of heavy infodump I want to avoid. I'd rather trickle the information in slowly. But I'll sleep on it, and see if I can add a sentence or so tomorrow. If anyone wants to read the whole first chapter, let me know.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

I've done a bit of tweaking, but given that there's plenty about the Stones in the next few pages, I think if I tried to explain here, it would be pure infodumping.

A moment before it had been a hot June evening. Alex and Tim had been walking slowly, allowing for Paul’s hobbling pace, towards the pub. They’d been laughing about a particularly pompous ass of a teacher back when they had been pupils together. Now, after a sudden, half-realised transition, the air was chilly, the sun sinking towards the mountains. Alex sprawled in the long heather of a rocky slope, the sky clear deep blue above, marked by an odd puff of wispy cloud.
He sat up, his heart sick. This was an abrupt end to his plans, but not totally unexpected; the Stones had been tugging at him for days. He’d half feared that they were about to turn on him. Now the stark reality. Stone draws to stone; the pull had become too hard, somehow – and who ever understood the Stones?

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

I think you have a hook. My main concern is 4 hads in the first 3 sentences. This is a general indication to me that you should have started elsewehre, maybe trying to hard to get to the "Stones". I would suggest showing them walking towards the pub, the heat bearing down on them. Have them talking, laughing, about the popous ass of a teacher. This lets us know the POV, whom we shoul feel for. Then BAM, have the transition into the mountains. I think that should fill out the 13 all on its own.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

I'll have a go then. I don't want to put too much as it could easily end up with no hook and a first page that's effectively irrelevant to the rest of it. But a few lines won't hurt.

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

This is a promising start. But I found the preponderance of tense laden verb use distracting.
I am trying out UBB code for the first time so forgive me if this does not look right.
here is my take (partial as I am out of time)

quote:
(Perhaps start with him in the new millieu)
Alex sprawled in the long heather of a rocky slope, the sky clear deep blue above, marked by an odd puff of wispy cloud. A moment before it had been a hot June evening. Alex and Tim had been walking slowly, allowing for Paul’s hobbling pace, towards the pub. They’d (been laughingcut) laughed about a particularly pompous ass of a teacher back(they had had) when they (had beencut) were (pupilscut) in school together. Now, after a sudden, half-realised( better adj.here?) transition, the air was chilly and the sun sank towards the mountains.

He sat up, his heart sick. This was an abrupt end to his plans, but not totally unexpected; the Stones had been tugging at him for days. He’d half feared that they were about to turn on him. Now the stark reality. Stone draws to stone; the pull had become too hard, somehow – and who ever understood the Stones?

I don't think many people think of themselves as "pupils".
My only real problem with your prose is the overuse of static (was verb-ing) writing. examples:
Static: We had been talking.
Dynamic: We had talked.
Static sentences have uses but like passive writing will weaken your prose. Other forms: was talking-talked; were standing- stood. etc.
also:
When using past perfect tense (had been) it is only necessary to use the form once or twice to establish that it is an action finished in the past. Then change to normal past tense.

not sure if I made sense here.

Edited to fix code

[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited May 13, 2008).]

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

Is this better? It says nothing about the story that's coming, but maybe it doesn't need to?

A moment before it had been a hot June evening. The three of them had walked slowly, allowing for Paul’s hobbling pace, towards the pub, laughing about a particularly pompous ass of a teacher back when they were at school together.
“Remember all those times he told us how he once had to stand on the train, all the way from Edinburgh to London?” Tim said. “If that’s the worst thing that happened to him in the War, he got off pretty damn lightly. I wonder why he wasn’t in uniform; he can’t have been or he’d surely have told us all about it.”
“They probably wouldn’t have him.” Paul said. “Either that or he dodged the draft somehow. I can see him doing that.”
Now, after a sudden, half-remembered transition, the air was chilly, the sun sinking towards the mountains.

Posted by jdt (Member # 3889) on :

Why begin with backstory? Why not just start out in present tense with them walking and talking and BAM--the transition?

(Where to begin the story is my current bugaboo.)

Joe

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Yes, I think it does need to hint at the story to come. Their history was once perhaps a story, perhaps relevant, but since it's a story we missed, it's not a hook.

The hook for me was the stones pulling him. Even though I don't understand what that means, it's interesting.

The opening "A moment before ..." begs the question, "A moment before what?" Why flash back? why not just start with them walking to the pub?

If it were me (and it isn't, so here's a large pinch of salt) I'd cut all the irrelevant chatter, including the pompous ass. I'd have thm chatter about something relevant to the story, maybe just remarking on the nice warm sun and looking forward to their beer.

Since MC seems to be in touch with the stones, I'd foreshadow the transition with him feeling their pull stronger, maybe fretting about it, and then BAM.

The transition ought to be dramatic, if only because in a previous version one of the characters was so startled he cussed. What did it feel like? What did MC see? The reader surely needs to feel their bemusement, for that and the stones are the hook, methinks.

Perhaps,

Alex squinted at the pub ahead, its windows reflecting the warm red of the evening sun. "Not far now," he called over his shoulder--and then, under his breath, "--provided the stones let us get there." Their pull had been steadily increasing over the last few hours.

Behind him, Paul and Tim had paused, so Paul could rest his leg, and shake off Tim's offer of help.

"He's independent, Tim," said Alex, "And the thought of beer's motivating--oh sh*t--" Paul and Tim stared as the pull of the stones became irresistable. Alex's vision shimmered, then blackened. Intense cold enveloped him. "Not now," he thought.

Just an idea, I'm sure it's wrong but I hope you see what I mean and that it helps,
Pat

Hope this helps,
Pat

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

I'll let it ferment for a bit, thanks. I was trying to show the abruptness of the transition; one moment they're talking about something totally irrelevant, then next they're plunged into a war zone in a very strange world. Maybe I'm on the wrong track here.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

Does this work better? I think it does for me, at any rate. Anyone willing to look at the whole chapter?

The cool evenings of May were finally gone that weekend, as the three of them walked slowly, allowing for Paul’s hobbling pace, towards the pub, laughing about a pompous ass of a teacher back when they were at school together. Alex was silent, worried. Uncontrollable as always, the Stone was stirring; he felt the life flowing into it, waking as it hung under his shirt. Not now! He needed to be alone when transition came.
“Remember all those times he told us how he once had to stand on the train, all the way from Edinburgh to London?” Tim said. “If that’s the worst thing that happened to him in the War, he got off pretty damn lightly. I wonder why he wasn’t in uniform; he can’t have been or he’d surely have told us all about it.”
“They probably wouldn’t have him.” Paul said. “Either that or he dodged the draft somehow. I can see him doing that.”

[This message has been edited by RobertB (edited May 14, 2008).]

Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :

You can send the first chapter my way. Will be a couple days for me to get to it though.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

The cool evenings of May were finally gone that weekend, as the three of them walked slowly, allowing for Paul’s hobbling pace, towards the pub, laughing about a pompous ass of a teacher back when they were at school together.This first sentence reads really oddly to me. It's not in anyone's POV, it doesn't really introduce the characters, and it's not even true, as we find out in the sentence following Alex was silent except we were just told they were all three laughing, worried. Uncontrollable as always, the Stone was stirring; he felt the life flowing into it, waking as it hung under his shirt. Not now! He needed to be alone when transition cameThis is interesting, and I see you intend this to be your hook. It would probably keep me reading, so good job with that.
“Remember all those times he told us how he once had to stand on the train, all the way from Edinburgh to London?” Tim said. “If that’s the worst thing that happened to him in the War, he got off pretty damn lightly. I wonder why he wasn’t in uniform; he can’t have been or he’d surely have told us all about it.”
“They probably wouldn’t have him.” Paul said. “Either that or he dodged the draft somehow. I can see him doing that.”

Over all, smooth writing. I think you've done a decent job of establishing setting in so short a time (I'm assuming War= WWII).

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited May 14, 2008).]

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

A lot of potential here, I think.

This part,

quote:
A moment before it had been a hot June evening. The three of them had been walking slowly, allowing for Paul’s hobbling pace, towards the pub. They’d been laughing about a particularly pompous ass of a teacher back when they had been pupils together.

I think it's clear what is going on, but I'm not really connected to a particular viewpoint. I'm not sure whose pov this is. It could probably be stronger if this was through somebody's eyes.

quote:
Now, the air was chilly, the sun sinking towards the mountains. Alex sprawled in the long heather of a rocky slope, the sky clear deep blue above, marked by an odd puff of wispy cloud.

The description here rocks! I really, really like it. It just flows. Excellent writing.

quote:
He sat up, his heart sick. This was an abrupt end to his plans, but not totally unexpected; the Stones had been tugging at him for days. He’d half feared that they were about to turn on him. Now the stark reality. Stone draws to stone; the pull had become too hard, somehow – and who ever understood the Stones?

Now here I'm totally lost. And I'm asking myself the classic, dreaded question... "Huh?"

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

I think your latest attempt is MUCH improved. No time for nits, sorry...

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

I agree with Annepin and MrsBrown that this latest version is much improved. If I had time I'd offer to read it but sorry, time's too scarce right now.

Pat

Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :

Oops. I just realized there was a later version, I critiqued the one on the top.

Yes, the newest version is much clearer, I like it. I'm hooked.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

Don't worry, I did the same thing myself yesterday. I like the opening much better now myself.

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

I've given it a slight tweak.

The cool evenings of May were finally gone that weekend, as the three of them walked slowly, allowing for Paul’s hobbling pace, towards the pub. Tim and Paul were laughing about a pompous ass of a teacher back when they were at school together. Alex was silent, worried. Uncontrollable as always, the Stone was stirring; he felt the life flowing into it, waking as it hung under his shirt. Not now! He needed to be alone when transition came.
“Remember all those times he told us how he once had to stand on the train, all the way from Edinburgh to London?” Tim said. “If that’s the worst thing that happened to him in the War, he got off pretty damn lightly. I wonder why he wasn’t in uniform; he can’t have been or he’d surely have told us all about it.”

Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :

Yep, better again ... So, um, is it time to ask how the other 99,800 words are doing?

In other words, I'm anxious you don't spend too much time on the first 13 with the rest of the work yet to revise. As you'll know, after that's done, the first 13 might change again.

Cheers,
Pat

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

I'm on the last section (3-4 chapters, depending how it works out). It's hard going at the moment, as I hate writing battle scenes, but it's going. Once I'm fairly happy with it, I'll go back to the beginning and give it a final edit. At least, I hope it'll be the final edit. If it is, it should finally be done by the end of the summer holiday. It's the first novel I've attempted in 30 years, and it's taken a lot longer than I'd hoped.

[This message has been edited by RobertB (edited May 15, 2008).]

Posted by hoptoad (Member # 2145) on :

The second version is good.
It alludes to both an immediate conflict and has a broader reference to the rest story.

Is it necessary to mention the 'hobbling' pace without mentioning its cause?

For me it was a distraction unless it becomes important soon.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited May 16, 2008).]

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

It very soon becomes vital, don't worry. I'm working on the theory that I can't explain everything in 13 lines, but everything there has to become relevant within a page or two unless it's backstory.