Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 'Kings of the Castle'

This is topic 'Kings of the Castle' - first 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by marchpane (Member # 8021) on :

(I really need to come up with a better title...)

Here's the first 13 (I think - feel free to snip away if I'm wrong) of a short novel I started about 2 years ago and gave up on not long later. I'm thinking of resurrecting it, other projects allowing. It's historical fiction, set in 13th-century England - which isn't what I usually write - but there is, as they say, a first time for everything.

Some advice and/or criticism would be great, for anyone who cares to offer their thoughts.

Her fingers were locked and her lips clenched, but Lady Sybilla de Nevers was not praying for the dying man’s soul. It was her own sweet deliverance she craved.
William had dragged her here to watch his father die. Probably he meant it as some sort of torture, or a strange penance to quell her venomous tongue. Other men might have beaten their wives or dispatched them to a nunnery. Yet here she was, bundled away into a corner like a toothless old crone with nothing to do but sit and sneer. Her bones ached from the sharp Lenten cold and from the weight of her unborn child.
The moments lingered lazily, determined to extend their lives. Time itself was making a mockery of what should have been a sombre occasion.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

It's exactly 13 lines, marchpane. (Posted partly to bump it back up to the top for you.)

Posted by Grant John (Member # 5993) on :

I liked it, well written, though quite a depressing tone. If this is the main character I would be hoping for her to gain some optimism in the near future. I would certainly read on to find out.

Grant John

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

It's a good start.

I'm confused as to the interpersonal connections. Why watching William's (since we don't know his connection to Lady Sybilla) father (also connection missing)die be a torture for her? She's also a bit to introspective about what other men would do. I feel a bit too distant from this scene. Some reversing of the order of information might help the hook and flow.

If you started with:

William (insert title here), her (insert relationship her), had dragged her to the market square (or other place) to watch his father die. for me this was the hook

Her fingers were locked and her lips clenched, but Lady Sybilla de Nevers was not praying for (insert father's relationship to her)’s soul. It was her own sweet deliverance she craved. Probably William meant it as some sort of torture, or a strange penance to quell her venomous tongue. Other men might have beaten their wives or dispatched them to a nunnery. <---I'd cut this line and follow up on how her venomous tounge relates to a man's death. Yet here she was, bundled away into a corner like a toothless old crone with nothing to do but sit and sneer. <-- I'm not sure this helps either because it doesn't clarify anthing. Her bones ached from the sharp Lenten cold and from the weight of her unborn child.

The moments lingered lazily, determined to extend their lives. Time itself was making a mockery of what should have been a sombre occasion. this seems disconnected to me

If you focus on the moment, Lady Sybilla is watching a man she knows die, and hone in on a POV, you'd have a compelling start. What is she feeling about the situation? Is sorry that her "venemous tounge" brought the man low? Did it? Is she worried that she's married to a monster and what's going to happen to her and the baby when she's born? If you picked one of these questions and worked with it in the first 13 it might be easier to draw a reader in.

edited for bolding

[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited June 24, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Definitely engaging. I like the style of it, flows smoothly and with good pace. I, like kings_falcon, was a bit confused about the interpersonal relationships. But I think it's a good story, and worth pursuing. So write it!