Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Jinah's story 13 lines of novel in progress

This is topic Jinah's story 13 lines of novel in progress in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Marisa (Member # 8084) on :

Hi all,

I could use a ton of help if you got the time. These are the first 13 of a novel that is number 4 in a series. However, books 1-3 are not motivating an agent to pick me up so I have moved on to another character and another POV.

That said I obviously have a lot of histroy with these characters and so I worry that it makes this novel unreadable since I have to get everyone up to speed.

Can you comment on:
The transition between para 1 and 2.
The grammar.
Is the realtionship between niece and uncle ceepy sounding?
Would you read more?
**
I used to be many things. I used to be happy. I used to believe in the innocence of childhood and all the naïveté that brought. I used to be a princess and fancied myself lucky to be alive in a time when fairy stories came to life. The characters of fiction and imagination were my friends and playmates.
Even now, covered in the blood of one of the greatest creatures to touch foot to earth I found myself repeating how lucky I was. Until he breathed that last breath and I was left holding nothing more than a shell of what had been a beloved king, a great Man, a wondrous and horrible demon. He was the first Man I ever loved, before even my own father. He was the one person who knew all of me. When my uncle died in my arms, my whole world ended in that one moment.

Posted by Jesse D (Member # 3241) on :

I think this could probably be condensed down to "When my uncle died in my arms, I lost many of the things I used to be." Or something like that. I think the hook is the uncle's death, not the fact that she used to be many things. I think it would be better to start there.

Posted by Lynk (Member # 8085) on :

It felt a little unfocused. First the MC is talking about herself and how her feelings and thoughts have changed from when she was a child. Then it is a quick shift to the Uncle with very little transition. The second paragraph was good and I am far more interested in hearing about the King, her uncle. It almost seems like you could reveal a lot more about your MC through her uncles death than what you have written in your first paragraph.

Just my thoughts,

Lynk

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:

[I used to be many things. I used to be happy. I used to believe in the innocence of childhood and all the naïveté that brought.<--[IMHO - this slows the opening down (to distraction for me).] I used to be a princess and fancied myself lucky to be alive in a time when fairy stories came to life. The characters of fiction and imagination were my friends and playmates. [Beginning here doesn't need to be separated from the next paragraph.]
Even now, covered in the blood of one of the greatest creatures to touch foot to earth I found myself repeating how lucky I was. Until he breathed that last breath and I was left holding nothing more than a shell of what had been a beloved king, a great Man, a wondrous and horrible demon. He was the first Man I ever loved, before even my own father. He was the one person who knew all of me. When my uncle died in my arms, my whole world ended in that one moment.

I stopped reading because i found it was laid on a bit thick. I found myself feeling lied to. "I used to be a princess and fancied myself lucky to be alive in a time when fairy stories came to life. The characters of fiction and imagination were my friends and playmates." made me believe I was reading about a fairytale princess, in the end it was a metaphor (which amounted to a breech of contract for me).

What's this about?

Where is the conflict?

OSC mentions that the beginning is too early for a major character to die, because we don't know him and have no sympathies for anyone yet. This is a prime example. It could be moving, if we knew the nameless uncle. If he's so important to her, his name would be there.

Hope this helps.

Posted by Marisa (Member # 8084) on :

Thanks for the comments.

As to InarticulateBabbler's questions:
Jinah (the MC) is a princess, her dad is also a king.
The next few paragraphs describe that her cousin murdered the king.
Now her father and his sons will be after the cousin to kill him as a traitor (if that is the right word even).
The conflict is that Jinah thinks her cousin has been manipualted and wants to find him first to try and save him.

So...would you prefer more backstory on the family as chapter 1 then the murder in chap 2?

Anyone interested in entire chap 1? I am sure that there are a ton more issues than the first 13 gets at.

Thanks.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

It could be compelling but I don't think you're starting in the right place and making some promises that you don't keep.

To answer the questions you pose:

(1) I don't want more backstory. I want a character and situation that naturally allows me to learn what I need to know about the history/relationship between the characters.

(2) Yes, right now the relationship seems incestuous.

(3) You are lying to the reader. You say the MC use to be a princess but she still is. If she use to be a princess, she needs to be removed from the power structure.

The hook for me was that her uncle was a demon. But it's getting lost in her whining about what she's losing.

My take:

quote:
I used to be many things. I used to be happy. I used to believe in the innocence of childhood and all the naïveté that brought. My first impression of her was that she was young, but this last line seems to come from an adult v. a teen or younger
I used to be a princess and fancied myself lucky to be alive in a time when fairy stories came to life. this could be interesting. But why am I learning it now. You've hit my personal tolerance for whining. My suggestion is to pick on of the "use to be"s and use it.
The characters of fiction and imagination were my friends and playmates. Why do I care about this now
Even now, covered in the blood WHAT!! Why the heck is she thinking what she was in the first paragragh if THIS is the situation? of one of the greatest creatures to touch foot to earth I found myself repeating how lucky I was Hu? First, didn't she just say she wasn't lucky anymore. Second, again why is she thinking this? Isn't she thinking about the magnificant bleeding thing? . Until he breathed that last breath and I was left holding nothing more than a shell of what had been a beloved king, a great Man, a wondrous and horrible demon. ugh, a list. a great Man can probably be cut. He was the first Man I ever loved, before even my own father. the capital for Man is bothering me. You already told me he's a demon and not a Man He was the one person who knew all of me. This is why I was thinking lover When my uncle EWW. Oh wait, maybe the demon's not her uncle died in my arms, my whole world ended in that one moment.

If the uncle she dearly loved was just murdered and died in her arms, these aren't going to be her thoughts. This is you the author telling us about these people. Let the MC show us about her by her reaction to this death. Because I don't have any connection to these people, the death is unmoving and flat. Not the response you want. Maybe start a bit earlier before the demon is attacked. Show us a few minutes of the MC and Uncle's interactions. A name for the uncle would also help as IB points out.

You know all about these people since you've written so much about them, but the reader doesn't. Show me who they are before you kill them off unless the death doesn't matter.

Is this YA? Or something else? How much of this story is written?

psst- IB- "breach"

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

quote:

psst- IB- "breach"

LMAO. Yeah. Can you tell I was posting at 1:00am, when I should have been working on my WIP (or sleeping).

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Yes. You should have been working on your WIP. It's just so rare to catch you with a typo.

Marisa, are you going to play with this some more and repost?